Airport etiquette. Is there even such a thing?
For some reason it seems once you're inside the departures terminal, every ounce of normal social behaviour goes out the window and you're thrown into airport survival mode.
Here are just some of the things we all do, but wouldn't be caught dead doing outside of the airport.
1. Having a beer at 9am
Getting a head start on your holiday is almost a time-honoured tradition, but if you were caught sinking a cold one for breakfast anywhere else but at Ye Olde Traditional Pub at Terminal 2, you'd be facing an intervention from family and a one-way ticket to rehab. But having a quick one before boarding closes at 10am? No worries mate, let the alcoholiday begin.
2.. Wishing you were a kid so you could be wheeled along on a Trunki
A ride-on suitcase ... GENIUS. Why have they not invented these for adults so I can straddle my Samsonite and let my significant other pull me along to my boarding gate? My legs don't work anymore. Did I mention I'M TIRED?
3. Eating before knowing you're getting on board to eat another meal immediately
Airport food is like getting a kebab at 3am. You're convinced you need it at the time, only to regret it as soon as it's down your pie hole. When else do you get the opportunity to have a $15 panini washed down with a $6 coffee that tastes like its had the arse burnt out of it? Or a 'healthy' cup of full-fat dessert yoghurt and granola for the bargain price of $10.50? All shoved down just before the air hostess asks you if you want the chicken ratatouille or the vegetarian pasta.
4. Becoming a professional perfume tester
Tom Ford, Gucci, Armani Code, Chanel Coco Mademoiselle, Marc Jacobs Daisy Dream. Sprayed them all. Can't decide. And now you've left duty free smelling like a bomb's gone off in Chemist Warehouse and you have a headache from all the fumes. Bliss.
5. Sleeping on the floor
You're tired, you woke up at 4am to get to the airport and now it's 3.30am in Abu Dhabi, and you're not even half way there yet, so you'll catch those 40 winks anywhere you damn please. Delirium has set in. You got a floor, you got a bed, you got three chairs in a row, you hit the damn jackpot and you don't care if you look like a homeless person at gate lounge 45b because YOU AM TIRED.
6. Having a baby wipe shower
There's nothing more dignifying that wiping yourself down in a toilet cubicle with some Curash wet wipes after you've been travelling for 23 hours and your connecting flight has been delayed. A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. But regardless of the 'freshen up', it never seems to leave you feeling all that much fresher. Nope, that was definitely not a 'shower in your pocket'.
7. Wearing your pyjamas as day wear, in public
It was early and you packed all your nice clean clothes in your suitcase. So leggings as pants it is. And let's just throw a scarf over this pyjama top and hope nobody notices. I woke up late and I'm comfy.
8. Stocking up on way too much Duty Free
"Think of all the mojitos I could have with those two bottles of limited edition vodka that are on sale for a saving of $7 off the normal recommended retail price. Oh and these giant bags of Twix that are buy two get one free would be great presents (even though I know I'm going to get the munchies mid-flight and open them all). Oh and all these mini toiletries that would be so cute and so handy." It's like a shopping vortex in there people and you are so far down the black hole with so much time to kill, you'll be lucky if you get out of there alive.
9. Hogging all the power points
You know the guy. The one who's set up camp next to the only visible power points in a 200 metre radius and is using all four of the outlets to charge his kindle, laptop, iPad and iPhone, which have all apparently run out of juice at the same time, right before the flight. Don't be that guy.
10. Turning into angry whingers
The airport experience offers so many opportunities to do your rag, (probably not helped by the three schooners you had before midday) that you're lucky if you escape without yelling at someone or embarrassing yourself with your passive aggressive voice. Normally these things wouldn't bother you, but today, having the litre bottle of water you just bought confiscated, getting told off for not taking your laptop out of your bag and being 'randomly selected' yet again for explosive testing are all going to just be too much for one person to handle.
So next time you're at the airport, remember you're not in a parallel universe, you're just getting a flight.
Allow yourself to relax and use some of the above airport-only liberties, but at the same time, keep it classy people.