Chris Rattue 's Opinion

Chris Rattue is a sports columnist for the New Zealand Herald.

Chris Rattue: Game of cricket needs fixing fast

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Makeover through an exciting set of innovative rules and practices will give us a sport fit for the 21st century.

Prime Minister John Key with a giant cricket ball promoting the the ICC Cricket World Cup 2015 at the Basin Reserve in Wellington. File photo / Mark Mitchell
Prime Minister John Key with a giant cricket ball promoting the the ICC Cricket World Cup 2015 at the Basin Reserve in Wellington. File photo / Mark Mitchell

Bad light doesn't need to stop play, far from it. Match fixing is an opportunity.

Cricket can go the WWE men-in-tights way by opening its arms to a well orchestrated Gutwrench Powerbomb, so to speak.

Next year's World Cup in Australia and New Zealand might even be the perfect place to introduce New Cricket.

Here's our vision for fixing cricket and how we see the game taking shape under an exciting set of innovative rules and practices. It even comes with a catchy slogan - Better Bettors Make Better Batters.

• Bowlers will appeal ... for no balls (with a limit of four per over though). Batsmen can have one six rubbed out per innings.

• Batsmen will leap in the air, remove the helmet, wave the bat to the crowd ... on reaching scores such as three, 11 and 17. A batsman kisses the pitch on being removed for a duck. Another is caught short going for the fifth run.

• The player of the tournament will receive the Hansie Cronje Cup. Any batsman who scores more than two 50s in succession will be sent home.

• Players can bet on matches ... but only on their opponents.

• For the really big games, the bookies will set up their tents on the main ground ... while the game is played on the outer oval.

• Batsmen will be allowed 30 seconds to change the colour of their bat grip once. This can be swapped for three chances to change the colour of their face zinc.

• Fieldsmen must have their phones set on silent although they may use vibrating alert.

Those in catching positions can text only between overs.

Batsmen must use a hands-free device.

• Hot Spot refers to a Wi-Fi zone around the pitch. Snicko is the nickname of a guy who hangs around in the hotel lobby quite a bit.

• Every game will be covered live ... on the cartoon network.

• There will be 12 cameras and full team coverage of every net practice covering topics such as who was speaking to who, who was speaking to who, and who was speaking to who.

• Everyone who buys a ticket will get a free set of steak knives and an exercise machine that folds away under their bed.

• The commentary team will be headed by Lou Vincent, with expert analysis from Salman Butt, Mohammad Asif and Mohammad Amir. A character who looks like a cross between Del Boy and John Gotti will provide the sideline colour.

• Secret reports to the ICC will be shown on the big screen.

• There will be a heritage round where everybody tries their hardest to win.

• There will be a Women in Cricket round honouring the supportive work done by the partners of bookies in Mumbai.

• To win the Catch Ten Million competition, a member of the crowd must drop six catches while wearing wicket-keeping gloves and prove he was carrying three mobile phones at the time. An exciting new development will be the introduction of a small second prize, for someone who catches a six with one hand while wearing the sponsor's T-shirt.

• If the wrong team wins the World Cup ... don't panic, we'll think of something then. There's no point in fretting over something that may never happen.

- NZ Herald

Chris Rattue

Chris Rattue is a sports columnist for the New Zealand Herald.

Chris Rattue writes about a wide range of sports for the New Zealand Herald. He has covered numerous sporting events for the Herald including Rugby World Cups and the 2010 FIFA World Cup.

Read more by Chris Rattue

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