James Griffin 's Opinion

James Griffin is a columnist for Canvas magazine.

James Griffin: Awesome Internet Party

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Kim Dotcom speaking to the masses. Photo / Brett Phibbs
Kim Dotcom speaking to the masses. Photo / Brett Phibbs

Guten tag my fellow New Zealanders! It is I, Kim Dotcom, your future Prime Minister, talking directly to you with my voice. Okay, maybe I am not the actual Prime Minister but certainly I am the man behind the Prime Minister, looming over him like a wise zeppelin.

Have you checked out my new party yet? The Internet Party, though it should better be named the AWESOME Party, because AWESOME is what it is!

People say that my party, like my name, is a joke. They could not be more wrong. People say that because of the name of my party I am concerned only with the internet. They could not be more right. And also wrong. At the same time. Because the internet is everything and everything is the Internet Party. This is what is truly AWESOME about my party. How crazy is that?

We - and when I say "we" I mean me - are not just a party about cheaper and faster connectivity, because our connectivity as the Internet Party is everywhere and in everything. Where other less AWESOME parties have "policies" we have "action agendas".

How cool is that? Let me tell you about some of them.

My foreign policy action agenda will be the most AWESOME foreign policy action agenda New Zealand has ever had since there were foreigners. It will be based entirely on my favourite video game, Call of Duty. In this foreign policy action agenda every time we want something from someone foreign I will challenge them to a game of Call of Duty and I will beat them and we will get what we want. Obama, Putin, I will beat them all and we will be the most powerful country on the Earth. AWESOME!

Also, I have an education action agenda that is also AWESOME. The policy is that everything you need for an education these days is on the internet and with our AWESOME internet action agenda the internet will be faster so therefore education will also be faster. Under our education action agenda you will be able to graduate from school with a master's degree in Call of Duty by the time you are 13.

My arts action agenda is that everyone should have the right to free art through the AWESOME power of the internet. Sure there are some, like the people who create the art, who say they should be paid for making the art. But isn't the joy of knowing your art is available all over the world, with the click of a button, a much more satisfying gift than anything money can buy? Here at the Internet Party we believe that the word copyright means you have the right to copy.

A big important action agenda of the Internet Party is to stop evil foreign governments and their agents to repression from interfering in the lives of New Zealanders and those who live in New Zealand by extraditing them on bogus charges. The Internet Party will pass an AWESOME array of laws to stop these things happening to you so that you will sleep soundly in your beds without the sound of approaching helicopters.

As you can see from all of these action agendas, we have so many action agendas we almost don't know what to do with them. But don't worry, mein fellow Kiwis, we won't be this sticky-beak government telling you what to do. No, the Internet Party will run New Zealand under exactly the same AWESOME principles and action agendas as Megaupload was run.

This means, under the Internet Party government, we legally don't want to know a thing about what you do. You pay me your taxes and you can do any damn thing you like, in your own guaranteed personal cloud of government ignorance. The data of your life will be safe with me, so if any third party, like the FBI or the United States Department of Justice, wants to know what you been doing, the Internet Party government can and will deny any knowledge of any wrongdoing. Ignorance, mein kinder, is sometimes not only bliss, it is also an AWESOME way round the interfering laws of others.

New Zealand, you embraced me when I was a poor multimillionaire refugee, fleeing from injustice. Now it is my turn to embrace you back. Let me embrace you, let me take you into the loving arms of the Internet Party and together we can upload the A into AWESOME.

So join the Internet Party now, the Party where we mean party. And for the first 500 members I will throw in a free helicopter ride to the Mansion - a once-in-a-lifetime experience so AWESOME you will have trouble remembering it afterwards because I will have blown your mind. AWESOME!

- NZ Herald

James Griffin

James Griffin is a columnist for Canvas magazine.

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