Final Word: Getting jiggy with it

It's not every day that a worldwide journalistic scoop drops into my lap, so when one does it is very hard to resist. For yonks now, the plot of The Lost Symbol, Dan Brown's follow-up novel to his mega-global blockbuster, The Da Vinci Code, has been the biggest secret in publishing since, well, the last really big secret in publishing, which probably had something to do with Harry Potter losing his virginity or something along those lines.

Anyway, the point I'm driving towards here is that I, through some low-life high-powered contacts in the world of publishing, a full two weeks before the publication date, have managed to sneak a peek at The Lost Symbol, and I can, without a word of a lie, tell you — in this special, two-part column (as befits a literary event of such importance) — that the plot of the most anticipated publishing event this year, goes something like this: The novel is set in Washington DC, capital of the United States, because it is better for the box office if the American movie-goers don't have to look at ugly foreign cities like Rome and Paris, where the buildings are old and they have lots of mimes and they speak un-American languages.

Professor Robert Langdon is back again as the book's hero, doing for religious iconography and symbology what Indiana Jones did for archaeology. This time Robert's hair, controversially portrayed by Tom Hanks in the film version of The Da Vinci Code, is a combination between a mullet and a comb-over, symbolising, in itself, one man's battle with male pattern baldness.

The Lost Symbol takes place over 12 hours, as Langdon must solve a fiendishly difficult set of puzzles starting at breakfast, and finishing just after dinner-time. The journey begins as Langdon sees that the way his hotel cooked breakfast (two eggs over-easy, bacon, breakfast sausage, grilled tomato, hash brown, with a side of mushrooms) has been laid on his plate is actually a puzzle that is only solved when he realises he didn't order the breakfast sausage and he takes that out of the equation. Pausing only to drag Maria, his intelligent, beautiful yet naive waitress, into the story, Langdon hits the streets of Washington DC, a man on a mission with a babe in tow.

What he searches for over the next 12 hours, rushing this way and that around Washington DC, are the 12 missing pieces of The Jigsaw of Solomon. The Jigsaw of Solomon is a 1000-piece tiling puzzle comprised of oddly shaped, interlocking and tessellating pieces that join together to form an image. The jigsaw was created in 931 BCE by Solomon, son of David, third king of the United Monarchy and the last king before it wasn't so united and split into the kingdoms of Israel and Judah. Solomon was noted for both his wisdom and his love of amusing diversions.

The importance of the Jigsaw of Solomon is unclear to most everyone except Langdon, but it seems to revolve around the fact that only one person (other than Solomon, of course) has ever completed the jigsaw: Jesus. After Solomon created the jigsaw he realised that not only had he created a lovely picture of some donkeys at an oasis, but also a weapon of unspeakable power. Thus he created the Order of the Jiggy to protect the jigsaw puzzle and to seek out those worthy of using the puzzle/weapon for good rather than evil.

But to use the Jigsaw of Solomon one must first finish the Jigsaw of Solomon, and for almost a thousand years after Solomon's death many wise and noble men tried but none could complete the task. Some were vexed by the puzzle's fiendish complexity, some were thrown into despair at the way the sand bits all looked the same, some were simply not jigsaw people and couldn't see the point of it.

Eventually the Order of the Jiggy entrusted the Jigsaw of Solomon to Jesus, to take away with him on a camping weekend to the Sea of Galilee with the disciples. It was there, as the disciples went fishing or paddled around in the water, that Jesus sat under a tree and completed the Jigsaw of Solomon. And when he saw past the donkeys and the oasis, to what the Jigsaw of Solomon truly symbolised, Jesus was afraid for mankind.

So Jesus gave one piece to each of the disciples, entrusting them to keep these hidden for the good of all. He then put the remaining 988 pieces back in the box and gave it back to the Order of the Jiggy telling them that even he, the Son of God, couldn't finish it — mainly because the blue sky bits all looked the same to him.

Next week: so how did all the pieces end up in Washington DC? What do the Freemasons have to do with it? Will Langdon snog Maria? What does it all mean?