Trauma surgeons at Wellington Political Hospital announced today that the ACT Party was judged clinically dead after succumbing to a grievous assault from Kim Dotcom.
Surgeons battled all night to save the political party, but the accumulated trauma from years of abuse meant that the patient was already in critical condition when Dotcom fell on it, crushing the remaining life out of the teenage political party.
The Association of Consumers and Taxpayers was born in 1993 to Roger Douglas and Derek Quigley, in one of the nation's first "queer" marriages. Prior to 1993, a National and Labour politician had never had a child together.
The new born infant was precocious, abbreviating its name to ACT before it even attended primary school. At three years old it got elected to Parliament despite having no current MPs there - something not achieved since 1978.
ACT's parliamentary childhood was reasonably healthy, from 1996 to 2004. It reached 11 years of age looking forward to adolescence. However the pre-teen years saw the start of its trouble years. Stepdad Richard Prebble moved out, and Father Roger disapproved of Rodney, the new stepdad. They started to argue in front of the kids.
Even worse, suave Don stole away ACT's first girlfriend, so at age 12 ACT got reduced to two MPs in 2005.
But Don's romance with ACT supporters didn't last as he left Parliament in 2007. ACT's health improved and at the age of 16 life was looking fairly good with some new MPs, and for the first time ACT had a couple of after-school jobs looking after local government and consumer affairs. Never before had ACT been in a position of responsibility.
But then the abuse started. Rodney and Heather just wouldn't stop throwing things at each other. ACT didn't even know who started the fights, but it normally ended up in the middle with the bruises to show from the domestic abuse. CYFS were called in, but the fighting and abuse continued.
A worse bruise came when Rodney and his girlfriend were playing with their model plane and it ended up scarring and concussing ACT. ACT's friends say that ACT's good looks never fully recovered from that. But worse was to come when David stole someone's wallet and ID as a joke. It was no joke, when it turned out that David had done this before, and ACT knew about it and never told anyone. ACT got beaten up by all its mates at school for not telling them about this earlier.
Even at this stage, ACT had some hope of a normal life ahead. But then Don turned up again and told ACT that he was going to take over or he would beat ACT up so badly it would die. So ACT was forced to become friends with Don and Don then got ACT stoned on cannabis. Some kids can handle cannabis, but not ACT. It fell off a cliff breaking its arms and legs.
By now ACT did not have many friends left. Don had beaten up Rodney, and the rest of ACT's friends were told to go away. Don brought in his new friends of John, Catherine and Donny. A lot of ACT's old friends were not sure about John but they loved Catherine and thought Donny was okay for a country kid. Maybe the three of them together would look after ACT and help it regain its former friends.
But people really didn't like the way Don had forced his way into the gang, and how he got ACT stoned without even checking with John first. So Catherine and Donny went away leaving John with sole care of ACT.
By this stage ACT was almost in a coma, from the combined impact of the domestic violence, the damage from the plane, being beaten up by its friends and getting stoned with Don. It did recover slightly when John got Big John to agree that Bill would stop spending so much money. ACT's friends liked this, as Bill was borrowing the money off them for his spending, and they didn't think they would get it back. It wasn't enough to get ACT off life support, but it was enough to get some of its old friends to visit it in hospital.
But then just a few weeks short of its 19th birthday, John and Kim Dotcom got into a fight. Kim gave John heaps of money and they hung out a bit, playing with their toy helicopters. But then Uncle Sam got Kim arrested for nicking some DVDs from his video store. Kim asked John to help him out, and John claimed he hardly knew Kim at all.
Well this pissed Kim off no end, so he ambushed John when he was visiting ACT in hospital, and they started brawling. They pushed and shoved each other, and John accidentally ripped out the feeding tube that was keeping ACT alive. As ACT was gasping for breath, John pushed Kim onto his hospital bed, and it collapsed under the weight.
The political surgeons rushed to the scene. They connected up the much used life support system, and tested for life. While there was the odd reflex response, they concluded that ACT was in an irreversible coma. This was the final blow after four years of trauma.
ACT's friends are very sad at this prognosis. They recall the good times they had with ACT. They remember the good things ACT achieved. They don't want to see ACT dead and buried, but they know that true friends don't let mates suffer in agony. They know it is time to turn off the life support, and let ACT die.
At the next election, National must stand in Epsom, and stand to win the seat.By David Farrar Email David