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Parents and 'good school' obsessions
By SANDY BURGHAM
Moments after giving birth, concerned well-wishers were advising me to "put her name down at Dio."
"You have to put her name down now!" they cried. I was bewildered. Not only had I never set foot in the school, I was still trying to get the hang of breast-feeding. Surely the thought of schooling was years away.
But every couple of months it would happen again: "What are you zoned for?" Don't leave it any later ...waiting lists ... referees ...
It's the new middle-class obsession - getting your kids into a good school. And the obsession is not just reserved for high schools; the primary school dilemma is just as serious.
What constitutes a good school seems fairly debatable. Most go on word of mouth, like the selection of a good restaurant. They get the application forms without having visited the school or meeting the principal. They know, and sometimes talk about, these mysterious ERO reports but don't get around to getting a copy to read.
Simple rule of thumb: private is good, religious is good (Clayton's private schools), and then there are a smattering of state schools with the coveted "good reputation" - all based on word of mouth and unread ERO reports.
Families regularly shift houses to get in zone for one of the few state schools that have been deemed a chosen one. And if that's not extreme enough, I heard of a family who had quickie baptisms, changing faith in the progress, to improve their chances of getting into a pseudo-private Catholic school ("Hop in the car, kids; I'll tell you about the Pope on the way").
Then there's the reference fiasco: which referees will impress the judges? Usually it is a mix of a famous rich person met once at a dinner party and a neighbour's brother-in-law with old- school connections - obliging strangers who are faxed details of the kid in question.
Our parents didn't face the schooling dilemma. They never questioned the system of sending their kids to the school they were zoned for. And if the kids didn't like it, guess whose problem it was? Certainly not the parents'.
So survival and social skills developed naturally. Were kids tougher back then or are things just out of hand today? A mixture of both, but we can't ignore a third factor - parental angst.
Although teenagers are often miserable creatures anyway, middle-class parents have a determination to make sure they are consistently happy at their chosen school.
If their teen is a little sullen, the solution is simple - "the school just wasn't him" and the surly teen is moved elsewhere. One wonders if some teens' progress would improve using the good old clip round the earhole strategy. While some kids do indeed blossom at other schools, often the real issue is skirted.
The "good school" obsession could be devaluing the quality of some of our solid and dependable state schools by default. My sister seems to classify all people on whether they got into Macleans College or not ("I am seeing my friend Cheryl-whose-daughter-got-into-Macleans tonight"; and "you know John-whose-son-didn't-get-into-Macleans") What happens to the poor kids-who-don't-get-into-Macleans? Do they turn into axe murderers at some other school?
We're caught between complaining about the competitiveness and pressure on teens, yet wanting to prepare them well for the inevitable ratrace. Which parent will deny their child "the best education that there is around" and "a natural head start in life"?
But somewhere lurking underneath all of this is parental guilt. So many parents feel they might be falling short on the parenting stakes, so the least they can do is send the kids to the best school they can. They want these schools not just to educate but to discipline, teach lifeskills and provide a sense of belonging and security. If the kid turns out a loser, the parents can say, "We did all we could, we sent him to the best schools, blah, blah, blah," which is interpreted, "Well, I did my bit."
We all want our kids to get into a great school. And the best way for this to happen is to help them to be great kids. And that's our job as parents.
I tell a friend about the column I'm going to write: "What! Are you crazy? You'll jeopardise your chances of getting her in to a good school."
She missed the point.
<i>Dialogue:</i> Sandy Burgham
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