Parenting blogger and tired mum Emily shares her thoughts on sleep, one letter at a time.

A is for Anytime which is when I used to sleep

B is for Bullsh*t which is what I think about the sleep advice I'm given to keep

C is for Can you please stop giving me bullsh*t advice (I've heard everything, just stop, it's not nice)

Advertisement

D is for Death. I Googled "Can you die from sleep deprivation" and I seriously can't believe I've done this twice

E is for Energy. Hi, I have none!

F is for F*ck this, I'm done

E is for did I already do "E"?

G is for God. Did you know I'm an atheist who basically prays to every God there is every night so I can get some God damn sleep.

H is for He doesn't answer my prayers because I got literally four hours last night. Four hours. Broken. The baby was up for hours. Literally. Four hours in total.

I is for I need to sleep or I'll go postal.

J is for JUST go to sleep. You do not need another bloody feed I just fed you seriously are you trying to suck the life out of me?

H is for How is it that they wake up so happy from having no sleep? I read a study once about someone who only needed two hours sleep - what if that's my kid? What if I never sleep more than two hours again OMG I can't handle that OK, I just can't *grabs paper bag and breathes into it*

I is for wait, didn't I already do I?

J is for oh we did J

K is for Kip, another name for something I'm not getting

L is for Love because clearly we only put up with this fresh hell for love

M is for Mum. I'm the one who feeds you at night

N is for Naps. That thing you resist with all of your might

O is for Orgasm. I'm too tired, go away

P is for Penis. I'm serious, that's what got me in this situation, okay?

Q is for Quiet, something I just really, really need

R is for Rest. That's what I want to be doing instead of giving you a feed

S is for Sh*t the alphabet is long and I am really tired

T is for Tired. Duh. Does it have to rhyme? Wired

U is for U NEED TO GO TO SLEEP. I can't even spell because of you

V is for Vampire. You stay up all night, it's true

W is for Why are you still awake?

X is for X ray (literally cannot think of another word that starts with X) You know why? Because I'm bloody tired.

Y is for didn't we already do Y? Y U no sleep then?

Z is for I literally had to recite the whole alphabet just then to remember what comes after Y. Amen.

Now we know our ABC... I just Zzzzzzzzzzzz.

- nzherald.co.nz