What's with everything having to go beep or ding? It's bad enough that my phone dings, beeps, pings and whistles in my handbag or pocket all day, but now my dishwasher, normally polite and well mannered, has started beeping incessantly and it won't stop until I stop what I'm doing and go and press its "pause/resume" button.
The dishwasher does this at least three times per load. Sometimes it plays a duet with the washing machine which plays a tune when it's finished, but also lets out an annoying beep if something doesn't meet its expectations during the wash cycle.
"Beep beep beep ... The load is uneven." "Beeeep ... the pump's broken down again and there's no water." "Beep beep ... I just felt like getting you off the couch, so here's an error code, you'll never work it out so just turn me off at the wall ..."
You'd never hear an old agitator washing machine whine and complain like that. They just kept on going, regardless. The only time you'd get a protest out of one of those was if you tried to shove five towels, three sheets and your arm through the wringer, and then the wringer hood would fly off and wallop you in the ribs.
My car also beeps at me. It beeps at me to tell me I have put my key in the ignition, which I already know about because I am the one that did it. Then it dings and flashes a warning at me to say that I need to book in for a service, which it has just had. Then it goes dong, dong, dong until I fasten my seatbelt, which is fair enough because it's the law.
Less fair is the contant and high pitched triple-beep it inflicts on me at random times - sometimes for an entire trip - to tell me my bonnet is open. Because it's not.
My bonnet is not open, the beep is lying and no amount of shouting at has made the slightest difference.
If it was one of my dogs - even the deaf one - it would have got the message by now. No, the bonnet is not open. In fact, the one time it did pop open as I was driving, the beep was noticeably absent. It was probably off harmonising with the washing machine and the dishwasher.
I mentioned the beep to the garage when they did the service on the vehicle - the service the other beep says didn't happen. The technician adjusted something and for a few brief but blissful days there was no screeching beep.
Until I was happily trundling along to work and ... beep beep beep. Bonnet open. It wasn't. It still isn't.
The other annoying beep is the one that tells me I have left my vehicle headlights on.
Being a responsible driver I turn them on when it's foggy in the morning. Then at some point on my drive to work it ceases to be foggy and by the time I get to work it's all bright and shiny and I have forgotten all about my headlights. Then I hear the beep, grumble at it and turn my lights off. Problem solved.
Except for last week when my vehicle, complete with all its beeps, was having new tyres put on. My husband's Toyota Hilux, fondly known as the Munter, was taking me to work instead. The Munter is noisy, smelly, bumpy and has a bad attutude. But at least it doesn't beep.
It didn't beep all the way to work. Nor did it beep when I left the headlights on and went to work.
When I tried to get it to take me home it made no noise whatsoever. None. Especially engine noise. The battery was flat.
I, on the other hand, made lots of noise, most of it unprintable.
It took a long time and the help of a kind stranger to get the Munter to agree to start. I still owe the kind stranger a beer.
And I owe my vehicle - and all the other annoying beepy bongy dingy pinging and whistling items in my life - an apology. Sometimes it's good to beep. Now where are my earplugs?