You know you're not a teenager when ...
... you can't imagine ever defining yourself as a "Belieber", "Lil Rocker", or "Directioner".
It's not so much that I don't understand why young girls (and guys) are fans of young pop stars - catchy tunes with syrupy sentiments and good looks were always a potent combination in any generation- but the overwhelming emotional frenzy that follows these young men around is baffling.
School teachers can be prepared for some highly distracted young ladies over the next two weeks, as Auckland receives a double whammy dose of boy-crush mania.
Actually, I'm not sure if that's accurate - do teenagers even use the word "crush" these days? Maybe they just use it in relation to the way they "crush" each other into barriers whenever one of their favourite musicians is present. Australian lad and recent X-Factor winner Reece Mastin is performing at Vector Arena on Saturday night, and is likely to be received with a few buckets of tears and deafening screams. When he first crossed the Tasman in February for promo duties, he had to cancel a fan meet-and-greet at Sylvia Park when organisers thought things were getting out-of-hand.
The 17-year-old with a cheeky grin clearly loves the attention - he has dubbed his fans Lil Rockers (which isn't quite as catchy as Lady Gaga's Little Monsters) and it looks like he's topless and wet in his twitter profile pic. Yes, some fans do call themselves Mastinators ...
Actually oddly enough, a number of his "Lil Rockers" on Twitter have members of British boy band One Direction as their own Twitter profile pictures. Clearly there's an overlap between Reece Mastin's "Lil Rockers" and One Direction's "Directioners" (as the five-piece affectionately, if clumsily, call their fans).
Is it cool to be tweeting your undying love to one artist when your profile picture declares your loyalties lie elsewhere?
Clearly these young things want to keep their options open, because One Direction will be in Auckland for two sold-out shows at Trusts Stadium the following Saturday, and you never know if you might catch their eye in the crush of the moshpit, or perhaps at the airport, when they arrive on a 5am flight, slightly groggy, and keen to get to their hotel.
When One Direction arrived in Australia this week they sorely disappointed some fans by leaving the airport through a back door despite several hundred girls waiting in the arrivals hall, having camped out overnight, singing songs, making welcome signs and working themselves into a frenzy.
Now maybe I was never the obsessive type, but I can't remember having the urge to make sparkly signs, camp out at the airport, or even write any fan mail. Of course there were photos durasealed to ringbinders (do kids still use Duraseal and ringbinders? Or is it all about your social networking profile pics and wallpapering your laptop?), but the last boy band phase (Backstreet Boys, NSync, Five, Blue, Boyzone, et al) seemed to bypass me in the overwrought devotion department. I guess the age of Twitter, YouTube, and Facebook has taken fan interaction with their idols to a whole new level and, in turn, made these fans all the more hysterical.
But what I want to know, is what happened to Justin Bieber and all his "Beliebers"? Have they lost interest, or is it possible to work yourself into a hyperventilating breakdown over multiple different male singers.
Can you be a Lil Rocker, a Directioner and a Belieber, all at the same time? Or does that call into question your dedication?