Here's the three things you need to know about Sky TV. The first is that they offer some of the very best television shows, movies and sports that you can watch. No matter what you're into, Sky TV have you covered with first rate offerings.
The second is that despite this trifecta of win they are sliding speedily down the slippery slope of lose. Which, when you stop and think about it, takes a very special sort of special to pull off.
The third and final thing to know about Sky TV is that this is entirely down to their own arrogance, hubris and sheer dumb-assedness of their recent decision making.
The good news is that I have a plan to save the day. Even though I'm not Sky's CEO - not yet, anyway - I am qualified in economics to a School Certificate level. This means I can talk with some expertise in all matters pertaining to the matters of business. The bad news is that the dinosaurs in charge probably won't like it...
The very first thing I'd do as CEO is apologise to the good people of New Zealand for Sky's management acting like a bunch of total pillocks for the last 30 years.
I'd say sorry, guys, for our totally outrageous pricing, our needlessly convoluted and unconsumer friendly "plans", our desire to win through litigiousness rather than by offering a superior product and for our sheer audacity in charging you a premium for channels we've filled with adverts.
Kiwi's appreciate a fair go and this would begin rebuilding the company's long lost mojo.
Next, I'd brutally attack Sky's ludicrous pricing regime. My pal described it wonderfully when he said, "imagine going to the shop to buy a loaf of bread and getting told, 'no, you have to buy $40 worth of eggs to get that loaf of bread.".
That's how Sky currently operates. This BS may have worked back in the day but it ain't cutting it today.
Right now Sky charge $49.91 every month for their "basic" package. I guess they felt $50 a month was a rip-off...
Advertised disingenuously as "50 channels of entertainment" this houses a couple of gems (the Zone, Comedy Central, Viceland), mucho filler (free to air channels, radio stations) and total crud (shopping and racing channels). No way is this worth anywhere near $50 a month, but it's your compulsory starting point.
Want sport? An extra $30. Movies? An extra $21. SoHo, home to the best TV shows? That's an extra $10.
So if you wanted to watch Game of Thrones and Twin Peaks but also happened to like sports then you're looking at an insane $90 a month. LOL. And that's without movies or the convenience of watching when you want (MySky is an extra $15minimum...). Imagine all the avocados you could buy with that!
To be fair GoT and Twin Peaks are both rushed to their streaming service Neon. And there is also an online sports option that costs $330 for six months.
But in a world where streaming services Netflix is $15, Lightbox is $13 and Amazon is $8 Sky's pricing is laughable. Sadly for them it's no laughing matter. Even Neon - which is very good - is priced out of the market at $20.
As CEO I'd slash all these numbers and gut the convoluted packages in order to stop haemorrhaging subscribers. The subscription model only really works when people don't need to think about the cost. $15 for Netflix and $15 for Spotify is good value. $90-plus for telly is not.
Under my rule the "Basic" package would plummet to $15 and would include both Neon and MySky. Add-ons would be a simple fiver with no sneaky BS. Sports 1, 2 and ESPN would not be charged for separately. No sir. It's Sports -all of them - for $5, including online access.
You want the SoHo, Rialto, Rugby or Playboy channels? That's $5 each. Go (or get) hard.
Now, you're getting Neon, Sky's basic package, SoHo, sport, movies and MySky all for the low, low price of $30 a month. Instead of leaving people would be signing up in droves!
I'd also cut the crap with the pay-per-view pricing as well. $50 is simply too high. I'd price these events at an even $20. $50 gives you pause for thought and as CEO I don't want you thinking. I want you buying.
To survive Sky needs to go mass. And mass means cheap. I'd want lots and lots and lots of people paying small amounts in order to make a big, fat amount. It's simple economics, baby!
Sky's whale days are over. Their current strategy of raising prices to combat subscriber losses is boneheaded and potentially fatal. They've got the shows now they just need to get with the program.