Joanna Hunkin is the Head of Entertainment for the New Zealand Herald.

Real Housewives of Auckland: What happened to this housewife's neck?

As the Real Housewives of Auckland enters week two, viewers were treated to another week of privileged excess and offensive stupidity.

As Anne Batley Burton hosted her annual Pussy Galore fundraiser, it didn't take long for the housewives claws to come out, with Angela Stone and Gilda Kirkpatrick once again engaging in a heated exchange.

We check out the most ridiculous moments of episode 3.


Firstly, a note to the producers: We get it. Anne likes cats. Anne likes to call cats pussies. Anne calls her cat sanctuary the Pussy Palace. It's the funniest joke in the world, if you're a 12-year-old boy. But we're not. So stop it.

Secondly - let's talk about Michelle. Anne dragged Michelle out to the Pussy Palace to help feed the cats.

Michelle doesn't like cats. Or women, it would seem. After visibly gagging at the smell, Michelle announced to camera: "It smelt like pussy alright, it stunk." Classy.


Julia Sloane may come across as a vacuous blonde but listen closely and you'll realise she's doing a fine trade in smutty asides.

The first comes as she goes under the needle for a vampire facial, which leaves her neck looking like an infected scrotum from Embarrassing Bodies.

Julia Sloane's neck resembles something from Embarrassing Bodies.
Julia Sloane's neck resembles something from Embarrassing Bodies.

As the nurse begins injecting her own blood into her neck, Julia squeals: "Oooh, I'm not used to little pricks."

Later, she confides in Michelle that her husband's nickname is Dixie.

"You call your husband Dixie?" asks Michelle.

"Dixie-normous," cackles Julia.

Oh my.


Anne may be the country's number one pussy protector but she's clearly not too fussed about other animals. Like minks, possums, lambs or goats. She has coats made of all of them. But don't worry, she doesn't wear them because that, my friends, would be hypocritical. Much better to just keep them in the cupboard.

The irony wasn't lost on Michelle, who in between trying to convince Anne to bequeath the impressive collection to her, came out with this gem: "This animal activist pulls out so many meat coats... I was in heaven. So are they."

Anne Batley Burton shows off all her "meat coats".
Anne Batley Burton shows off all her "meat coats".

Later, Anne's friends showed off even more "meat coats," including racoon and South American skunk, prompting Anne to declare: "Whether I wear them or not is never going to change a damn thing, but the main thing is they should be killed humanely."

To which her friend replied: "Well, not for profit anyway."

Yes, that's the real issue here. Price-gouging.

There's simply nothing worse than over-priced skunk, wouldn't you agree?
There's simply nothing worse than over-priced skunk, wouldn't you agree?


This episode, we met Angela's PA Lea. She's supposedly French and wears comically large glasses but honestly, don't be surprised if it later emerges she is some kind of amateur drama student from Akaroa. Even by RHOA standards, this plot line feels ridiculously staged.

Angela's "French" assistant Lea.
Angela's "French" assistant Lea.

Unless Angela really is in love with her French assistant, which would explain why she strokes her hair while staring adoringly at her at a cafe on Jervois Road. Later, Angela repeatedly tells Lea how cute she is.

Inappropriate workplace touching.
Inappropriate workplace touching.

Later, Angela brings Lea to Anne's party, where she bids on a styling session with her own boss. Weird much?

Once again, Anne asks the question we're all thinking: "Who brings their PA to a party?"

Who indeed.


For the second week running, Angela proves she's not quite as smart as she likes to think she is, when she refers to herself as "the big runt".

Last week, she mistook the word lethargic for cathartic, leading to one of Anne's greatest moments as she explained the difference between the two words, while cackling to camera.

This week, after calling Gilda "the little runt" she went on to spurt this nonsense: "I'm the big runt of the litter and the big runt always gets picked first."

Dear Angela, by its very definition, a runt is "the smallest or weakest of a litter". You cannot be the big runt.


While on the subject of runts, Angela dropped her deranged smiling facade for the second time, blurting to camera, "runt or c***?" when talking about Gilda.

I'll say it again, classy.


Angela wasn't impressed at Michelle's instruction to suck in her guts.
Angela wasn't impressed at Michelle's instruction to suck in her guts.

As if calling her plus-size wasn't offensive enough, this week, Michelle told Angela to suck her guts in.

Well, the exact quote was: "Pull your tummy in, sweetie". But same diff.

Angela, who was wearing a skintight pleather catsuit, understandably took umbrage, before the pair got into an argument over exactly what size Angela was.

"You're not a size 10, you're a size 12," declared Michelle, insisting there was nothing wrong with "plus size" she just wanted Angela to acknowledge it.


This spat continued into what was perhaps the night's ugliest moment, with Angela questioning Michelle's New Zealandness.

"You're not even a New Zealander, Michelle," declared Angela.

Um, isn't she? She lives in New Zealand. She's married to a New Zealander. Her kids were born in New Zealand.

I'm going to raise a flag here Angela and suggest you back the truck up before you offend the huge number of New Zealanders, who like Michelle, weren't born here.

Also, no more dancing for you.


- NZ Herald

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