Fleur Verhoeven says she has moments she wishes Jordan Mauger had chosen Naz Khanjani as the winner of The Bachelor instead of her.
In a hard-hitting new interview with Woman's Day, Verhoeven reveals she is still struggling after her public dumping at the hands of The Bachelor star less than 48 hours after the finale in which he chose her instead of Naz Khanjani.
"There have been times where I've thought, 'I wish I'd just come second.' I wonder how much less that would have hurt because even now, I still get a bit sad and wish Jordan had given our relationship more time," she says.
Mauger was vilified for dumping Verhoeven after she was crowned the winner of the reality show's second season, and went into hiding for several weeks until last week's tell-all interview with WD.
In it, he slammed Verhoeven for revealing their split on live TV without him, saying it set off a "hurricane of hate" on social media that forced his mother to leave work in tears.
"That's the part that hurts because I had no idea Fleur was going to do that interview. If I had been approached ... I would have been there next to her," he said.
He also said Verhoeven was fully aware of his dwindling feelings, and he kept her informed constantly after the show had wrapped.
"To have a broken heart, you have to be in love first. And we definitely weren't in love," he said.
Verhoeven defended her decision to reveal the split on TV3 show Story, and later with NZH Focus, telling WD Mauger "was aware of what was going on".
"I never had any intention of leaving Jordan out of the interview ... I simply thought it was his choice to not be a part of it."
She also admits she's still struggling with the split, but says she doesn't want to be "that desperate girl".
"My friends and family keep trying to reassure me it wasn't my fault, but it's impossible not to take a rejection like that personally."
She is still in contact with Mauger's family - and says Jordan's mother has been joking about setting her up with his step-brother.
Verhoeven has been recuperating with a holiday in Fiji with fellow Bachelorette Shari Flavall, with Flavall keeping fans of the show updated on their antics through Instagram.