* Warning: This story contains satire.
Have you heard the news? Don't be alarmed if you haven't. In fact, you shouldn't have heard the news. Because we're boycotting it.
That's right. We're taking the power back! We're sticking it to the man! We're showing TV3 who's boss! We're ... turning off the telly?
Hmm ... wouldn't it have been better to boycott in summer when the evenings are pleasant? Boycotting in winter when it's rainy and miserable out is a bit bloody stupid innit?
Regardless, you asked for the news, not the weather. Which is a pity. Because I can't talk about the news. We're boycotting it. The weather? It's rubbish.
There's a lot of rubbish on the telly too. Have you noticed? Especially weeknights, around 7pm.
Didn't use to be this way. Used to be some guy with plastic hair, long vowels and an obsession with getting all up in people's business and banging on about some disaster or other had a show.
I forget his name. It's been a couple of weeks. James Cameron, I think. Whatevs. Doesn't matter. He's yesterday's news.
But he's the reason we're boycotting today's news.
The big cheeses at TV3 didn't like him or the cut of his dad's suit so they fired his sorry ass. And we, as a people - nay as a movement - didn't like that at all.
As an aside I have to say it was the most glacial sacking I've ever seen. Six weeks it took!
Shoulda done it like a plaster and yanked the sucker off in one go. Woulda hurt for a second but that woulda been the end of it. Done ...