Bitchin' Channels

A blog about television and radio with Paul Casserly

Paul Casserly: January's best TV quotes

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Antony Starr in Banshee. Photo / Supplied
Antony Starr in Banshee. Photo / Supplied

The year is just a month old and already the people on the telly have been spouting all manner of nonsense and obscenity, and no I'm not just referring to the Seven Sharp promos or Gareth Morgan's bizarre catwa. In fact neither feature in this collection of cute quips and insightful word farts. The question is, can you guess who they belong to? (Answers below.)

1. "You could be up the duff to Prince Harry for all I care."

2. "The crotch looks like a moustache."

3. "Suck my tit bitch."

4. "It was condemned by everyone from Madonna to the Red Hot Chili Peppers."

5. "The Germans hit the British with a million shells in just 5 hours."

6. "She's battered and bruised and quite possibly buggered."

7. "There were some bloody stupid moments."

8. "You need to be held down so you don't run off to the jungle."

9. "I'm as busy as a two twatted hooker."

10. "And their bomb making begins in jam jars."

The answers:

1. "You could be up the duff to Prince Harry for all I care."

The show is Coronation Street and the ginger connection is young Chesney who's knocked up the rageaholic carpenter's 16-year-old daughter.

2. "The crotch looks like a moustache."

Said one of the judges on the 'candy challenge' on Project Runway, in which contestants had to make frocks out of sweets. Some were incredible constructions, not so the one that garnered these comments. "The boobs look like an old man's eyes." "She looks like a man in a cardboard box."

3. "Suck my tit bitch."

Banshee's lethal cross-dressing computer hacker 'Job' (Hoon Lee) has a way with words. Elsewhere phrases like "This is what the bible calls a cluster f**k of epic proportions" were deployed as Anthony Starr had a ball killing people and rooting Amish girls. Van West would be proud.

4. "It was condemned by everyone from Madonna to the Red Hot Chili Peppers."

Said Nightline's Paul Mayo re the imprisonment of profane Russian band Pussy Riot. Which is a bit like saying all the way from Napier to Hastings.

5. "The Germans hit the British with a million shells in just 5 hours."

This is from the History Channel's excellent World War One series. Hundreds of thousands died in those five hours, including many kiwis whose names are still to be found on granite in nearly every neighbourhood. That was in March 1918, by June the Germans had lost another million men and the war.

6. "She's battered and bruised and quite possibly buggered."

A true-blue commentator at the Australian Open describes a post match Li Na after she was beaten in the final by Azarenka.

7. "There were some bloody stupid moments."

Paul Holmes reflecting on his life in the captivating Janet McIntyre interview, his last. Holmes, who was clearly struggling with pain and medication, talked about the highs and lows of his very public life. He was proud of much, like his championing of Eve van Grafhorst, and his feisty encounter with Dennis Conner; "it was a very good interview." But he also painted a picture of a man who felt under siege. He said "there were some bloody stupid moments" and he talked of "resistance coming in over the phones" prompting him to seek out publicity with such gusto. McIntyre deftly guided the great broadcaster through the tabloid maze. There was plenty of praise but lowlights were also touched upon. At one point she admonished him for not spending enough time with the kids. He said that he took the kids to school only once. "Why was that?" asked Janet. "Because I was number one" came the reply. "I suppose that's our people today" prompted Janet when it was time to wrap up. Holmes looked blank for moment and then a wry smile started to form on that face that was so familiar but yet so changed. He knew the line, and that this might be the last time he says it. "That's Holmes tonight."

8. "You need to be held down so you don't run off to the jungle."

The moment when Boardwalk Empire became 50 Shades of Grey. Gyp Roseti only enjoys sex if he has a belt around his neck, the equally twisted Gillian Darmody (Gretchen Mole) is happy to oblige, and throttles him sexily while calling him an "ape". Sadly she's foiled in her attempt to inject the psycho gangster with a syringe chock full of heroin and gets the full load herself. Prompting some more Gyp wisdom.

"Somebody's always gotta lose."

9. "I'm as busy as a two twatted hooker."

The foulest mouth in the history of TV, spin doctor Malcolm Tucker, as played by Peter Capaldi. (Who's soon to pop up on The Hour.)

Ok so technically this was last year's final episode of The Thick Of It, but I didn't get around to watching it till the New Year. In the same episode he replied to a request to stand down with "I don't take advice from a guy who gels his hair by sticking it up a cow's vagina." (You can see a review of the second to last episode, a brilliant parody of the Leveson enquiry, here.)

10. "And their bomb making begins in jam jars."

BBC's James Reynolds' remarkable report on rebel bomb making facilities in Syria showed the young freedom fighters/terrorists making and testing home made bombs. They even blew up an empty building on camera. To illustrate what they're up against - ie the well equipped Syrian army, the final shot spoke volumes. It was the part of the process where explosive liquid is collected in a jam jar.

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