Why I’ll always choose home over a tent – Nicky Rennie

One thing about tent life is that people think that as soon as they zip up their tent they are in a vortex and nobody can hear anything. Photo / 123rf

So we’re now at that time of the year when nobody knows what day it is.

The only way that I knew it was Tuesday this past week was that it’s recycling day in our neck of the woods. I know this because our yard, our neighbour’s yards and the street is filled with rubbish.

It blows everywhere and different neighbours accuse each other of their rubbish being in their yard (then have to apologise).

I’m not sure how the council are going to fix this issue, but you can always tell when it’s recycling day in any area of town because every street looks like the town dump. But I digress.

I don’t mean to sound like the Grinch, but thank the Lord that Christmas and New Year is over.

Mum and I ground our way through it together.

Our first Christmas without our Clive was always going to be tough, but we both supported each other and now we are out the other side.

My daughter’s birthday is New Year’s Eve and I wasn’t with her, so that’s always hard as well.

So, I lived vicariously through other people’s festivities, celebrations and holidays.

I’m not sure if you’re aware but there is a “thing” called Facebook Envy. Aunty Google describes it as this: “Facebook envy is the feeling of inadequacy, frustration or resentment from comparing your own life to the curated, idealised highlights (holidays, achievements, perfect moments) of others’ lives on social media”.

I didn’t feel any resentment at all, and I love seeing what other people do. One friend took her family to Argentina, another friend went to Singapore and I went to Durie Hill.

Then, there are the campers. Now that is one group that I do not envy at all.

It takes a special person to be good at camping and I’m not her.

I’ve never understood it and that was confirmed when our neighbours went camping.

It took a day to get everything organised to get ready for their departure. They went to Opunake. They had one fine day of their three-night stay and then the rain and wind were so bad that when they got home, they had to put the tent up in the backyard to dry it out.

I’m probably going to expose some major character flaws here, but in for a penny and in for a pound.

Here are my issues with camping.

Generally, a holiday should be relaxing. In my own experiences of camping, the workload of the woman in the equation doubles.

If your relationship can survive putting a tent up together, you’re solid. Mine couldn’t because my husband turned into Bear Grylls (or Tarzan, I’m not quite sure).

So, your tent is set up, then the hard work really starts. Unloading everything you need to “live” at your site.

If you’re lucky enough to go to a campground that has kitchen facilities, lucky you. But you still have to cart all your dishes and wait for your turn to wash them after every meal (that Bear Grylls has cooked on the barbeque). You have to take your towel and toiletries and queue for a shower and if you’re staying longer than three nights, you then have to try and find somewhere to queue (once again) to do the laundry.

If you really go off-grid, then there’s the long-drop situation. Flies buzzing around your nether regions while you do your business is exceptionally disconcerting.

The other thing about tent life is that people think that as soon as they zip up their tent they are in a vortex and nobody can hear anything.

The truth is that everyone can hear everything.

There is only a slither of synthetic polyester separating family squabbles or exciting nocturnal activities.

People unzip their tent in the morning and every single person within cooee has had a bit more insight than they may have wanted into their personal life.

Now here is another question. Has anybody on God’s green earth ever slept on an airbed that stayed up all night? If you have, then clearly, I went to the wrong airbed shop, because I lay down my little head at a certain level and then by the morning I’m on solid ground.

The best thing about camping in my opinion is arriving back home.

The relief for me is palpable. A quick walk to a flushing toilet (with no flies buzzing around your backside), another few steps to pop a load of laundry in and a fridge and stove.

Let’s not forget a bed that stays the same height when you went to bed and then you wake up in the morning.

Camping makes you appreciate what you have in your own home. It’s a new year after all, so I guess I should make at least one resolution. You probably won’t be shocked to hear that mine will be to not go camping. That is one resolution that I will keep 100%.

Signed The Unhappy Camper.