When the Chooks hit town, it can get messy

Look out people, I'm back behind the wheel of my new car and, although it's not even that new, after being carless for over two weeks, to me it feels as if I am driving around in a Jaguar.

If Waffle wasn't so big, I would have affixed him to the bonnet as a hood ornament and his tail could have doubled as an extra windscreen wiper and car aerial. Even his twin set of rear end appendages could have made a rather novel change from the usual fluffy dice.

The life forms have all been sick with the dreaded lurgy that seems to have plagued half the city. Worried that these part alien beings may need special mediKATion, I tried texting the Mother Ship for advice. No reply as yet but I suspect the ship may be out of my cellphone range. Should I get desperate, I can always take them to the vet for treatment, they certainly eat like bloody horses and fight like cats and dogs.

With the new car giving me a new lease on life, I have considered treating myself to a new handbag and ridding myself of the dreaded Bermuda Triangle. Perhaps I could donate it to Judith Collins or Anne Tolley in the hope that one or both of them may disappear without a trace.

New car, new handbag, new lease on life ... sounds like a great reason to celebrate with a bottle of new wine. From struggling solo mum to splurging shopaholic. If Wanganui has an "it frump", I feel like I'm a step closer to climbing the heavily reinforced steel/titanium social ladder. LOL. Talk about living life on the edge people, it's just too exciting. I better add incontinence pads to my shopping list. Not that I have any intention of over indulging, but with binge drinking being such a hot topic at the mo, it does bring me to this week's question: Why was the chook so p!$$ed?

Allow me to explain: It's a classic love story that begins on a farm one balmy Spring day. Chook, an outgoing, vivacious single hen was sunbathing topless on the deck of her hen house. In the paddock beyond she noticed a young muscular stag, with abs you could bounce a hard boiled egg off. He also had the most spectacular set of antlers that Chook had ever seen. It was love at first sight. She couldn't take her eyes off this handsome, horny, hunk of a beast.

It was at about the same time that Buck, the handsome stag stopped grazing and started gazing, his eyes drawn to the glistening body of a freshly plucked hen. His mouth dropped open in awe as he admired her voluptuous curves, silky with a coating of extra virgin olive oil. Better yet the hen was topless and if nothing else Buck prided himself on being a breast man and this dame had a pair beyond compare and a set of drumsticks to match. Buck knew in that moment that he had found the woman of his dreams.

The relationship flourished and it was only a matter of weeks before Buck got down on three knees and popped the question. Chook said yes without hesitation and got sooooo excited she actually egged herself. The couple decided on a short engagement and wedding plans were hastily made. It was going to be a small but intimate affair. Just family and a few close friends.

Bringing us to the Hen's night, where Chook and her three besties, Newt, Fart and Skunk hit the town. They enjoyed a great meal at a trendy cafe before hitting the night clubs where they did the chicken dance until their legs couldn't take any more. They decided to leave the club and head to a wine bar before calling it a night. It was a warm evening so the girls decided to walk.

By this stage, Fart and Skunk felt the need to freshen up so they agreed to stop at the next bar they came to and use the rest rooms. It was here that our love story turned to disaster. On their way to the powder room the girls became aware of a private party taking place in a room down the hall. Being a sticky beak, Chook stuck her head round the door and went as white as a goose. There in the centre of the room was her beloved Buck, out with the herd for his stag night. But there was someone else in the room too. Foxy, a cheap skank and part-time exotic dancer, draped all over Buck, shoving her big bush of a tail in his face and pawing at his rock hard antlers. Chook was so angry, she egged herself deliberately and threw it at Buck's head. Talk about egg on your face!!! Skunk, wanting to help her broken-hearted friend went up to Foxy, flaunting her impressive tail before spraying a musk bomb that had the room gasping for air. Fart, not wanting to miss out on the action, let go with a ground shaker that saw the herd hit the floor. Newt, meanwhile, had headed to the bar to order the tequila slammers.

Too angry to cry and too shocked to care, Chook led the girls in a session of binge drinking the like of which had never been seen before. Buck tried to say sorry but got a drumstick to the nuts for his trouble. He left the bar ... alone. The girls all stayed on, drinking until the sun came up, the bartender recorded the events of that night ... events that led to those girls becoming famous, for all the wrong reasons.

Chook egged herself more times than she can remember, Skunk was arrested for the manufacture and supply of illegal stink bombs, Fart was charged with being violent in a public place - she exercised her right to remain silent - and Newt is still wanted by police for "slipping" away undetected from the scene of the crime. If it's any consolation, Chook and Buck did reconcile, went on and had kids and last I heard all four girls and Buck were still going through the 12 step programme.

Moderation peeps, moderation ... in my opinion there is nothing uglier than a drunk woman and guys you're not much prettier. Till next time, Waffle sends hugs.