The Owner's Manual: Your Spine
Congratulations. You are the proud owner of a Spinal Column Model S20. It is unique to you. Somewhere on the packaging you should be able to tell how old it is. If the wrapper around you is rather wrinkly, then it is probably a used model.
If you are smooth on the outside and somewhat blemished by spots, it's a pubescent model. If you go back to the manufacturer, otherwise known as Progenitor Mater, you should be able to find out some of the performance of past models. The good news is that if your line of spines that were designated Family were defective, you have a good chance of building for yourself a very good advanced model, despite your history. It is most important that the master computer, or Brain, does not run programs we call Pessimistic Processes.
If you happen to own the Politician line of spine models, you may find you are missing your spine. This is a production error and so please return to your Constituency for advice on how to develop one. Those models affected seem to be WP units.
If you look at the owner's manual that should have come with your model, there should be some instructions on how to use yours and get the best out of it. Unfortunately many of you arrived without the relevant documentation, or you had the instructions, but didn't choose to read them. That's okay. We have trained technicians available to teach and instruct you. They are called physios.
The first thing to do, when you test out your Spine Model S20, is to learn how NOT to move it. The clever thing about this beautifully engineered piece of kit is that it is resilient, sturdy and it repairs itself. A Canadian biomechanics working group found comparable animal models only give a finite number of bends before its discs began to show wear, so if you get to 15,000 bends be particularly vigilant. This is nothing to be alarmed about because as you see in the manual, it is designed to act like a solid block of concrete when under load. So the great news is that if you use your back as designed by bracing it, bending through the hips and knees, and keeping loads you lift as close to your body as you can, you will spare your spine for its reasonable lifetime as stated in the warranty. The manufacturer cannot guarantee the product, however, if it is used in ways that violate the sensible mechanics it was designed for.
Please note that the Spinal Model S20 is a moveable piece of equipment and is designed to move as well. There is no need to fear movement. The one proviso that must be observed however, is that bending forwards and twisting together whilst lifting heavily are not covered under the warranty. As such, we as spinal advisers and experts would like to speak to industries and workplaces that utilise people's spines to make their shareholders money. Your work tasks would do well to take into account the good mechanical workings of each worker's spine. They don't respond well to hundreds of repetitions of bending daily over the years. These spines that work hard for you are also whole people, who would like to enjoy their lives outside of their beloved workplaces, during and outside of their working lifespan.
