Warmth and bills grow with family

Dan Jackson

AS A single man I didn't seem to feel the cold. I had a little heater that I would plug in for an hour or two on the coldest nights of winter, but more often than not I wouldn't bother. People would walk into my home and exclaim they could see their breath. I said it was to keep the beer cold ...

Really, though, I'd have been working outside all day, so it didn't really make any difference to me.

However, when little people came along it soon became obvious my Eskimo way of life had come to an end.

I was going to put in a fireplace, but a mate of mine, a sparky, convinced me a heat pump was the way to go. And he was right. It was so simple to just walk in, turn on the heat pump and get on with family life.

But the power bills weren't nice. In fact they went from naff-all to astronomical in no time at all.

And, as my family grew, so did the power bill. To a point where the cost of a fireplace seemed quite reasonable.

We looked at a lot of fireplaces and we decided on a larger-than-required one because it seemed better to have a big fire that easily heats the house than a small one that struggles.

The problem is, the fiancee doesn't like the cold. She has three heat settings -- inferno, lava and surface of the sun.

So now all the wood I laboured away cutting and splitting year has gone.

I have learned firewood is guaranteed to warm you three times before it gets into a fireplace -- cutting it, splitting it and stacking it -- and It looks like I am going to be warm a lot from now on, because I swear it's like she tips the whole wheelbarrow in every time she fills the firebox.

Our house is so hot it's changing shape. All the doors and windows are sticking as the wood expands and creaks from the heat.

All the kids are walking around in T-shirts and shorts. When they get up in the morning and get dressed for school they put on summer clothes because they don't realise it's cold outside. I literally have to march the 11-year-old outside and make him stand there for a minute before he decides he needs a jersey.

Also, I had no idea there are rules around what I can and cannot put in a fire. For instance. I'm not allowed to put in pizza crusts.

I explained carefully to the fiancée that it would be fine to burn the crusts as it would just be very burnt toast and disappear. I was soon informed that our fireplace was not a "food crematorium" and what if it attracted ants? I tried to explain that ants aren't made of asbestos, but to no avail.

The way our house is set up, the fire is in one part of the lounge and the TV is in another. I hardly get a chance to watch the telly these days, as its either on a show about princesses or something the teen and tweenager like that I can't stand.

Anyway, when the fire went in I thought I'd get a chance to catch up on my reading on the couch in front of the fire while the kids watched telly. No such luck.

Turns out the fascination of fire is a powerful thing and when the littlies are watching TV the older ones are in the fire lounge and vice versa. They love it and I still end up sitting in the kitchen -- incidentally where I am writing this column from.

The cat loves the fire. At first she was hesitant and ran away from it but after about 30 seconds outside on a rainy night she was back inside sitting in her box in front of the fire. The cat actually gets hot to the touch on one side and then rolls over to let the other warm up. When she gets too hot she creeps away to a cooler part of the room and sprawls out to cool down for 10 minutes or so before moving back.

She looked so happy there the other night I threw caution to the wind and decided let her sleep there for the night. However, when I got up at 3am to go to the loo I found her in amongst the clean washing so out she went. Now she claws and meows at the door all night to get in. Sigh.

The dog also loves the fire. He usually can't sit still when he is inside, but I was pleasantly surprised when he just sat at my feet and basked in its warmth. I just have to remember not to let the dog in when the cat is ...