"Woven Whanau is our support group," says Bob.
"We call Woven Whanau the umbrella," says Lynette. "When Woven Whanau started in 2020, it had come out of a co-design in the community around what would be helpful for parents. We were meeting with a lot of organisations to let them know who we were, and they kept asking, who is alongside those grandparents raising their moko? So we began to question it. We talked to a few people and Bob's name popped up as someone who was looking to support this group in some way." When asked, Bob said he would just like to meet them over a cup of coffee. "We put the flag out, put a notice up and said let's see who turns up," says Lynette. The first few meetings were in the Plunket rooms and they were well attended. "So we knew there was a need for this informal, alongside support."
Rachel Puru is the Woven Whanau facilitator alongside Grandparenting Together. She was unable to make the meeting.
Iriaka says the group is a lot about networking, but there is also respite provided.
"You pay someone to look after your child for a night so you can have a break," says Jill. Her child is deaf, autistic and has ADHD, so he's a "handful" and finding someone to provide a night's respite is difficult. Respite care is provided through Accessibility. They're also eligible for YMCA Oscar (Out of School Care) funding.
All in the group say the informal style of meeting suits them and their support of each other is invaluable.
"We've had couples turn up here traumatised," says Bob. "They've had grandchildren just land on them." He says it's all very well for parents to take up recreational drugs and heavy drinking but they're not thinking of the consequences and what it means for their children and the extended family.
"In my case, we ended up with three," he says. "At that stage, we had to decide one of us had to retire." He had been at City College for 42 years, thought that was long enough so he chose to retire. His wife continues to work because they have added stress on the budget with three grandchildren.
"In most cases, someone has to give up something to take on the responsibility."
"Your life," says Iriaka, "Because the kids come and live with you."
"You give up everything," says Rene, "Like holidays overseas that we had planned — everything." Instead, they spent that money making their grandchild safe. Lawyers got most of it.
"You really do give up your life," says Jill. "Your friends don't have little ones."
Rene says the kids aren't the problem, it's their parents, the in-between generation causing the trouble and forcing grandparents to take charge.
Jill says that by the time grandparents have gone through the courts to get custody of their grandchildren, any savings and Kiwisaver have been swallowed up by the legal system. Showing love for your grandchildren can be financially crippling.
"Last year there was an opportunity to apply for funding specifically around this group of parents," says Lynette. She says she, Bob, Rene and Rachel explored it and talked about what informal support would look like if they focused on it. "We won that funding and we got to employ a co-ordinator. So Rachel ... who can't be here today ... works with me, and her eye is on this group. She is getting at least one new family a week since this began."
Not everyone in a similar situation wants to be part of the group. For many there is an element of shame that their own children can't look after their children. They would rather people don't know about it.
"It's not just taking on a child, or adolescent, whatever, it's taking on a child who is traumatised and is also displaying adolescent, teenage behaviour. You get the two mixed together and it becomes pretty volatile," says Bob. "In my case, I can say, after five years, things have settled down and we've got a workable regime, but you're always on edge. You can never relax." He says he will fix the holes in the wall in the boy's bedroom when he leaves.
"There is some fantastic support in the city. Once you get to know the agencies, it's a very supportive city."
Bob says they get everyone together, including the kids, for a community meal once a month at the Baptist Church.
"Grandparents Week came out of the Grandparenting Together group," says Lynette. It is a way to tell the community about the group and it fits nicely around Grandparents Day. There is a calendar filled with events for the week.
