From the home of the brave and the land of the free, Midweek's North American correspondent, Peter AR Hall looks at the US elections.
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies!" - Groucho Marx.
There was Laurel and Hardy.
There
was Abbot and Costello.
There were the Marx Brothers and The Three Stooges.
They were all such great American comedy teams.
But now, for your enjoyment and probably for your dismay, there is the Trillary-Clump Show, and if the stakes were not as high as they are we could all sit back and have guffaws of laughter and chuckles galore.
So, let me start this first of three articles with the Trillary-Clump Show while the next two will look much more seriously at each of the candidates.
We have seen the news headlines and the media coverage of both members of the show team and have been left rather bemused by them both - here in North America and indeed around the globe. One member of this team will take over the leadership while the other will fade into some form of obscurity.
"I don't get no respect." - Rodney Dangerfield's catch phrase.
And both members of the 'show' are complaining that this is so! While Clump makes sometimes outrageous statements there is Trillary having difficulty using her computer. While Clump is busy throwing comments at any and every body there is Trillary throwing disparaging comments at Clump - both the very essence of a great comedy team!
"Well, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into!" - Laurel and Hardy catch phrase.
And both members of the team seem very capable of getting themselves into a nice mess with Clump's insults against Kelly of the Fox news team and his opponent Ted Cruz crying the blues over the insults directed at him while Trillary attempts to shrug off her Benghazi calamity.
"Who's on first? What's on second?" - Abbot and Costello routine.
And the polls show each of the team as the most popular - depending who takes the poll, of course. If it's a 'reputable' poll-taker then it's acceptable to which ever team member is 'on first' but if not, it's obviously a very biased poll when it says 'what's on second!'. Each team member has their own polling group that reflects the views and opinions of their supporters - and gee - they are both showing their member 'on first'.
"Quote me as saying I was misquoted." - Groucho Marx line.
Probably this IS the most used political line of all politicians and those who realise that what they just said was an 'oops - shouldn't have said that.' The Trillary-Clump show is continually dealing with the 'oops' although there seems to be more 'oops' coming from Trillary than from Clump who responds with 'I said it and I'll repeat it.'
"Those are my principles and if you don't like them - well, I have others!" - Groucho Marx again. In the repartee of politics this seems to the norm as 'principles' change according to the response to them. In the Trillary-Clump Show this is frequently the case as once stated it is then construed as a 'misquote' or a 'misinterpretation'. Ah, Groucho - how come you were so wise?
But the Trillary-Clump Show has more than the comic quotes of past comedians to use in their respective campaigns.
- Ever want to see Clump in a Miss Universe gown or Trillary as a Girl Scout? You can dress up either in Dover Press's Campaign Paper Dolls cutouts.
- No matter whether it be Trillary or Clump you can buy a 'kitty keepsake' that will remind you of this cattiest of elections with a 'Cats for Clump' or a 'Proud to be a Democat' t-shirt;
Or you can start a 'would you believe this' list?
- 'Would you believe' that tennis balls were forbidden near the Clump Convention but guns were fine?
- 'Would you believe' that a Supreme Court judge would state that if Clump wins she would consider moving to New Zealand?
- 'Would you believe' that there is a 'who you gonna call?' group calling themselves 'Clumpbusters!'
- 'Would you believe' that the hacking of Trillary emails is a Russian plot to support Clump?
The Trillary-Clump Show will be on every channel until the second Tuesday in November. And it promises to be a first whichever member of the show wins - and this according to a Wanganui chap who sent me this email:
- If Trillary is the winner it will be the first time in history that two US presidents have slept with each other!
- If Clump is the winner it will be the first time in history that a billionaire moves into public housing vacated by a black family!
Thus endeth the comedy from this writer.
A serious look at the campaigns of both Donald Trump, the Republican Presidential Candidate aka Clump and Hillary Clinton, the Democratic Presidential Candidate aka Trillary will be forthcoming in the upcoming weeks!