This is what it sounds like when the lust dies

Chris Northover Photo/File

Yesterday we celebrated the first 30 years of our marriage. I believe this is worthy of note if only because marriage is becoming a foreign concept today.

I am often confused about the offhand manner in which marriage is disparaged as an institution, no longer seen as a safe and balanced haven in which to raise children.

A secure and stable foundation for a family, with love, commitment and companionship.

Surely, before you tear down a fence or a door, have a good look at what it was put there for. Have we looked at marriage before we tore it down, or are we just being bullied by the politically correct, thought-challenged followers of fashion?

The journey of marriage can be a painful one - people falling in lust, then realising after about two years that they really don't even know, let alone love, each other. Sometimes lust has been so strong they realise they don't particularly even like each other. That would be why the most successful marriages often begin with friendship. A friendship that blossoms as time goes by.

We were both married and divorced before we met, and we learned a lot about how not to do it. When the lust dies, a couple need to decide to love each other - even to actively learn to love the other - it is surprising how it gets to be a habit. Then, before you know it, you find that you actually do love the other one. Not easy, but it works unless you are really just selfish.

Of course, a couple need to work on their marriage - every day - but nothing much will result if selfishness is in the mix.

As Albert Einstein said: "Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed."

Some couples say proudly they never have fights.

How boring their relationship must be.

Perhaps one of them wears the pants to the extent the other is a mere slave - not allowed to have opinions or friends of their own. Respect the other's opinions and if you do fight - and you will - don't let the sun go down on it. Grow out of your pride and learn to apologise - even if you are not convinced thate you are wrong.

You ought to be able to discuss any subject together. However in my case for instance; there are some subjects on which it is bhest not to whrite. Sometimes you must agree to disagree. Ogden Nash said: "To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the loving cup, whenever you're wrong admit it; and when you are right, shut up."

We have always pooled our resources. One bank account, with common ownership of everything.

All for one - one for all. It's easier, believe me. Even the law now says (more or less), that after three years of living together, everything gets split down the middle, whether you are married or not.

Just think: "One advantage of marriage is that when you fall out of love with him, or he falls out of love with you, it keeps you together until you fall in again." - Judith Viorst.

Or: "But a wedding anniversary is the celebration of love, trust, partnership, tolerance and tenacity. The order varies for any given year." - Comedian Paul Sweeney.

Or, for the remaining cynics: "A spouse is someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single." - Anon.