This is an authentic Tel's Tales column. Do not accept substitutes. You, the reader can access this glittering piece of prose in three small easy steps then signing your acceptance of the related Terms and Conditions at the bottom of the page.
1. Please provide all your bank accountdetails 2. Your home address and when you will be away long enough for us to rob your house 3. Your passport so we can steal your identity
Please sent any complaints to: Unlimitedscam@mars.space.con.This column has been hand-typed with three fingers on a battered laptop using genuine parts of the English language. No assembly is required as the sentences have been lovingly crafted using the best words available. Some of them are very old and others recent additions to the page.
No effort has been spared to bring you the ideal reading experience. Big foreign sounding words such as effulgence radiate their own special meaning and require no explanation, whereas terms such as Fake News and Alternative Facts can be confusing to the uninitiated and will be studiously avoided.
Any resemblance to sensible and thoughtful writing has been carefully designed out of every paragraph to ensure it does not intrude on the reader's experience. If perchance something useful does get mentioned please report this fault immediately to our easy to use website or by completing our quick customer survey.
NB: This survey may take up to 45 minutes and leave you feeling desperate, possibly tearful and enraged so we do value your feedback so we can improve the user experience.
This column contains authentic gibberish. There will be no obvious cultural appropriation or plagiarism. Every word has been spell-checked and curated by a highly trained specialist fluent in classic gibberish with the intention of providing the reader with a satisfying experience.
Photo / File
Our legal experts and PR team have spent many hours checking the text to ensure that no actual advice has been given that might create any reason, heretofore to be known as dissembling (commonly called lies) that may, in the consequence of time become transformed into a form that incorporates the words "suing" or "see you in Court".
For those wanting to ponder Trumpist or Boris-ness blathering, you will need to look elsewhere. This column deals only in vaguely implausible facts that have no substance that will not cause those of nervous disposition to spill their morning cuppa into their lap.
Please click your acceptance of the Readers' Terms and Conditions below in tiny print. I herewith and therefore accept any and everything including the gifting of my entire family's income for generation in perpetuity to support the lavish lifestyle of the company directors Sponsored by Global Eye Testing Inc.
This column has been assembled from alphabetic components that can be recycled as ransom notes or fire-lighters. It comes with a guarantee that it will, following publication, quickly convert into a perfect disposable container for your fish and chips. It can also be cut into the shape of the reader's global footprint.
Guarantee: This product was manufactured by an artisan wordsmith using only authentic phrases and grammar. No clichés were harmed in the process of editing.
• This week's Tel's Tales has been created with you the reader in mind
