Let me attack every opinion that I can by using the 'I' statement in every sentence. "I've done this/I've done that/I'm not talking through my hat". See what I did there? So clever even if I say so myself and I do.
I have a special interest in big business and politics as these are both arenas where being the centre of attention is the principal objective.
'Mystakes' are made by others not me. I will shift any blame that might fall my way by moving myself as far away from it as possible. I am worth so much more to myself that even I'm amazed and have to look in the mirror to check my profile.
This is essential for getting myself filmed doing some great deed so those humbler than I cannot even get in the picture.
And I am humble. I only brag about the way I undermine and attack the vulnerable and those who attempt to take me down because, me myself and I, are an incredible team, working together as only I can to make myself get noticed.
In the great scrum of life, I am the manager, coach, captain, halfback and fall-back position. You might smell the strong whiff of cynicism (or satire) in my declaration but then so many are making so much out of being self-centred and nasty that it would be madness not too join in. It seems more loathing equals more attention.
The Katie Hopkins, Nigel Farages, Boris Johnsons, Trumps of this world are largely despised for their bumbling challenges to common decency but they are raking it in. Surely, I can do that. It's easy - just denigrate every opinion held by others and then throw in a casual insult to cauterise the wound.
Simply but ambitiously being outrageous seems to be a whole new career path. I am going to begin this new style of character assassination by insulting all my readers individually one at a time, even those whose conspiracy theories align with mine because I know that my conspiracies are superior, as is everything I say.
I am shamelessly looking after me and my high opinion of myself as it shields me from looking down on the inferior beings shuffling to get a selfie with me.
So, read me and weep because I am not only the greatest, humblest towering intellectual (when they say I am 5.5' that is a scandalous lie) for if I am not myself then who am I?
■Terry Sarten (aka Tel) is a writer, musician, social worker and satirista (satirist who likes coffee) - feedback is always welcome: tgs@inspire.net.nz
