The Thin Food kit contains a tiny knife, a small plate and a free calendar marking when payments are due. For an additional gold coin payment (gold bullion accepted) you also get a mirror to check if there is any egg on your face.
The kit takes up minimal space in your cupboards and adapts for use around the house; on the porch, in the bedroom, lounge or in the bath. NB: There is a warning in microscopic print on the back in the corner partly covered by the list of contents advising against using it in the shower.
I am waiting on potential endorsement by a number of 'X' listed celebrity types. All the B-listers were too distraught about the Brangelina saga to answer my emails. Mind you the Real Househusbands of Whanganui did stop sipping their lattes for a moment to say hello but showed no real interest in my idea.
It is a simple idea. You can eat cake, fish and chips, and all the bacon sandwiches you like provided you slice it very thinly while eating it off a very small plate.
I know this will come as a shock to the major purveyors of food and the many proponents of faddish diets. They will see a terrible vision of endless payments disappearing over the horizon as people realise that all those books promoting eating like cave persons miss the point that cave persons probably stayed in shape in order to run away from something that might eat them, rather than because of what they were eating themselves.
Perhaps more importantly, there was no internet in the Stone Age to allow them to buy unscientific diet programmes online.
The fashion for eating only one food (broccoli soup) for weeks on end has its difficulties. Either you start turning the same colour as the chosen food item, begin seeing hot chips in your dreams or some distressing combination of both.
The "Thin Food" approach allows you to dream about other things such as the interest charges on your credit card.
How did this revelation come to me you ask? (Maybe you didn't but I will tell you anyway.)
While making breakfast one day, I sliced the bread thinner than usual because I was fed-up with eating burnt toast every time it jammed in the toaster.
This solution not only reduced my carbon footprint by creating less smoke but also meant the loaf lasted much longer. From an economic perspective, or advanced counting as one of my children calls it, this was a win all round.
The food world is full of fads and scams. Look at all the big, heavy cooking and diet books weighing down the shelves. Toss them all.
Get the Thin Food kit and watch your kitchen storage lose weight.
¦Terry Sarten (aka Tel) is a writer, musician and satirista (coffee-drinking satirist) Feedback welcome: tgs@inspire.net.nz
