It seems that the Vatican is insisting grief has to fit into institutional rules at a time when we know that the response to death, loss and grieving does not follow any rules.
There was a time when grief was regarded as a rigid, prescribed sequence of steps to be worked through in exact order, but understanding has now moved towards a more fluid process which is very individual and defines its own path along a maze of thoughts, feelings and actions.
Most people find their way through. There are some who do struggle, becoming stuck within a grief state and this is certainly an area where a church and faith can be helpful.
The idea of keeping the ashes of a loved one at home or deciding to disperse them in a particular setting is an important part of the grief process for many people. This recent ruling from the Vatican marks a backward step away rather than towards a more open discussion around how we respond to death.
Death remains a sensitive subject in many other contexts as well. The revelation that police were investigating the involvement of certain individuals with an assisted suicide group has highlighted how euthanasia proponents have co-opted words that fit their agenda.
The term euthanasia - a person killing themselves - is used instead of the word suicide to camouflage what this is about. To disguise it in this way is not helpful as nationally we agonise over how to reduce suicide deaths.
The use of language that supports euthanasia needs to be challenged as too often it is an echo of the emotional expressions voiced around suicide.
The words "assisted euthanasia" is also a deliberate shift in language away from the fact that this is helping a person to kill themselves. This, in turn, is linked to the notion that a person has a "right" to decide when they will die.
For those with terminally illnesses, this discounts the value of quality palliative care which does provide a high level of medical support along with respect and dignity. I have seen the way hospice works and formed the clear impression that, despite illness, patients were clear in their wishes to have compassionate care.
The saying that there is no escaping death or taxes has a certain wisdom but in relatively wealthy countries like ours, based on Western notions that we must control all aspects of our destiny in any way possible, the idea that we should be debating the right to die is a luxury.
It is a First World subject that is not even thought of in places where surviving and avoiding death is the primary task of everyday living.
■ Terry Sarten (aka Tel) is a social worker, writer and musician - feedback: tgs@inspire.net.nz
