Terry Sarten: A note from a sensitive new age semi-automatic gun owner

They should do something about the people who have those guns. But I am not one of those people, writes Terry Sarten. Photo / File

COMMENT: As a sensitive new age gun owner (SNAGO) I would like to clarify the nature of the relationship I have with my weapon of choice. We are friends, my semi-automatic and me.

When I hold it in my arms, I can feel its big magazine, the latent power of its rapid-fire mechanism, its cool matt black finish, its dangerously sexy shape, its ability to fire lots of bullets. Oops. Sorry - got a bit excited there and now I've drooled on the telescopic sights.

Anyway, now the police want me to hand it in because they are no longer legal.

Apparently, these kinds of guns are considered dangerous. Where is the logic in that? If it is the person using the gun that is dangerous that is not the gun's fault.

They should do something about the people who have those guns. But I am not one of those people. I should be allowed a high-powered, rapid-fire military grade weapon to shoot rabbits and deer.

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They may be relatively harmless little creatures (the animals not the hunters) but that is only because they don't have guns. If they had guns well – you know? It would be dangerous out in the woods.

As a sensitive new age gun guy, a semi-automatic brings out the gentle side in me. I care for it. I clean and polish it regularly and am always looking for accessories that will make my gun look cool. Big black shiny bits such as giant telescoping sights, extra capacity magazines, carry grips made of high-tech low weight gun metal with matching strap that looks like something from a thriller movie just make me taller, stronger and more ruggedly handsome. Oops. I started drooling again.

The argument that these types of guns are just not necessary for hunting is rubbish.

Real men need guns like these to prevent them feeling inadequate.

I mean as a sensitive new age gun owner I have a vulnerable side. When the gun buyback was announced I cried. I felt the pain. I was sensitive to the compensation being offered. I was not going to get lots of money for my gun so why should I surrender it to be destroyed? What were they thinking? Us sensitive new age gun owners will get grumpy and refuse to hand them in and break the law.

If the gangs are refusing to hand in their illegal guns because they say they need them to shoot each other - then why can't we keep ours. Oops. I think I just shot myself in the foot with that argument. Arguments can be dangerous too it seems.

Military-style weapons can kill possums with exactly the right amount of firepower. Photo / File

So, I hear you say – why do you need a military style weapon to shoot rabbits? (I mean gun as that sounds less warlike than weapon.)

The simple answer is that I want one because they kill rabbits and possums with exactly the right amount of fire power.

I mean the possum might be three or four miles away. The only other way to get it would be a missile and what if it ducked and I missed. I mean if you are going into the woods - well you need to be heavily armed in case you meet a satirical possum in a tank.

• Terry Sarten (aka) is a satirist, writer, musician and social worker.