Supplying breakfast in schools is just the beginning

Now let's wait for the lunch demands and, shortly after, the request for food parcels to take home will follow ...Having raised the issue of Food in Schools in last week's column, it is only fair that I do a brief follow-up.

You would think that now - having been announced that every school that needs it will soon be able to offer five servings of a healthy breakfast each week - they would be happy.

Oh no - instead, the media and the Opposition continue to bitch about how little money has been spent on the scheme.

What the bloody hell do they expect? Croissants, eggs Benedict and a freaking chocolate fountain? It's just like I said, the more you give, the more they want.

These are schools, people ... institutions of learning. I'm more perturbed by the fact that my lifeforms could be going to a school where they get offered more servings of food than they do of English or maths. Now let's wait for the lunch demands and, shortly after, the request for food parcels to take home will follow ... so the kids have the required energy to do homework.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Speaking of food and the lifeforms who, despite my best efforts, are still with me, I may have solved a budgeting problem quite by accident.

The much-touted three serves of red meat a week is a tough ask, especially on a tight budget. Worry no more, I have your back ...

Grated finger. It might border on cannibalism but waste not, want not, I say. Don't feel restricted to just grating your own fingers either, get the kids involved. How good will they feel when they know they have contributed so much to the family meal and it can double as a lesson in first aid, making it nutritious and educational.

Hell, why stop there? I'm already thinking ahead to my own blood sausage for next week. At this rate, with bugs and headlice and now my new-found protein source, I'll be slashing my supermarket bill by half. Which is just as well because, by all accounts, a Countdown carpark is not a safe place to be.

Recently they have been targeted by some creepy little stick figure who hides out then approaches vulnerable women before attempting to lure them to a Pak'n'Save supermarket. Can you believe it? Through many hours of watching Criminal Minds I have been able to put together a profile of this mentally disturbed individual. So, ladies, be on the lookout.

The unsub is most likely a very short white male, aged 30-45, is arrogant and brazen, openly videotaping his exploits for all to see and also to keep as a trophy. He feels resentful that the world sees him as a faceless no one.

This, combined with his small-man syndrome, explains why he is only targeting females. At the last scene, our unsub had actually broken into the vehicle of our most recent victim and was hiding in her boot. This shows signs of escalation and if we don't get this freak off the streets we will soon be looking at the more serious crimes of stalking and kidnapping.

He has no eyes, so pepper spray is not an option. A swift kick to the nuts will prove fruitless as well - he has none. Be on the lookout for a thick, black outline. Don't threaten him with a game of Hangman - though unarmed he will not react well to provocation. On the upside, the unsub should be easily identified in a line-up.

Another advert that borders on criminal is one in the latest ASB campaign. If I am to believe my eyes, I see that Brian Blessed has gained entry to the victim's home and is concealing himself in a closet. He is also armed with what could be classed as a deadly weapon - a packet of gingernuts.

Let's face it, undunked, these spicy delights could inflict as much damage as a closed fist or small hammer. So we have breaking and entering and possession of a weapon.

Should you find yourself in a similar situation, I suggest that you offer him a cup of tea, the focus being on disarming him. Once you have done so, call the police but do not, under any circumstances, eat the gingernuts. They will be required as evidence in the upcoming trial.

We can only hope that ASB paid Brian enough to cover his bail and court costs. I wonder if ASB purchased their gingernuts from Pak'n'Save ... maybe he and the unsub are partners in crime.

Although my observations are purely tongue-in-cheek, what were these highly paid ad agencies thinking, incorporating crime and such disturbing behaviour into these campaigns? Surely there is enough crime in our country without these bozos adding to it.

Advertising or badvertising ... mayhap, madvertising. I'll let you be the judge.

I'm off to school to picket for a free Devonshire tea.

Keep the feedback coming and, as always, smile loudly. It's good for the soul and never a crime.