Steve Braunias: The secret horoscopes of 2018

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Steve Braunias provides a 100 per cent accurate guide to your year in the first of his two-part horoscope.

CAPRICORN (December 23-January 20)

Life is a lazy dog. Be honest — is that the way you see your partner? Something old, something domestic? Or it may be a metaphor for your job, or it could just be everything that's going on, or, more to the point, not going on.

In any case, there's a lazy dog in your life, and it's blocking the door. You're the quick brown fox: jump over it. Don't delay. No good ever came out of waiting. Patience is a vice. Leap before you look. 2018 in one sentence: Walk out the door. Walk out the door. Walk out the door.

AQUARIUS (January 21-February 19)

You've got a lot on, so here's 2018 in bullet points:

• Exercise.
• Financial pressure.
• Hamilton.
• "Written warning."
• Mum.
• Late penalties.
• District Court.
• A & E.
• New curtains.

PISCES (February 20-March 20)

Much to think about this year. Is poverty in society inevitable? Would the world be a better or worse place if everyone looked the same? Can animals have morals? What do you think your future self will remember about you? How replaceable are you? Does the study of philosophy ever lead to answers or simply more questions? How likely do you think it will be that humans will last another 1000 years without killing ourselves off? How long will you be remembered after you die? What's for dinner?

ARIES (March 21-April 20)

Your parents always wanted the best for you, or they said they did. At least they meant well and besides, you weren't the easiest of children. It may also pay to remember when they bailed you out that Christmas, and although it's true they weren't always there for you, at the end of the day you're responsible for your own life. In 2018 you can't go on simply claiming to be some kind of passive, inert lump at the whim or mercy of others. Memo: it's your fault.

TAURUS (April 21-May 21)

Many's the time you stumbled, many's the time you were afraid of the dark, many's the time you blocked and muted and did not accept friend requests, but thanks to the grace of God you're in a good place in 2018, you can now find peace, do right by your family, make a difference to others, contribute to society and forget the past. Memo: you caused untold pain and suffering.

GEMINI (May 22-June 21)

Don't walk out the door. They didn't mean what they said and neither did you. Remember that friend of yours who everyone loved because they were so impulsive, so full of life, so up for anything? They were actually deeply miserable and couldn't ever find the right person, so they went for every person.

You're not like that. You found what you were looking for. To jump to conclusions is to go along with the possibility that 1 + 1 = 3. It isn't. It's 2. Trust the path most travelled. 2018 in one sentence: Eat at home. Eat at home. Eat at home.