Steve Braunias: The Secret Diary of The Storm

TAIKA WAITITI

New Zealand is as stormy as f***.

DUNCAN GARNER

New Zealand is not as stormy as f***. Certainly, there was a bad storm this week and even now there are tens of thousands of homes without power and hot water. Now that's not ideal. But let's put it into perspective. It was just one little storm. It didn't even have a name. If it doesn't have a name, folks, it's not a storm. So for Taika Waititi to say what he said is just grossly irresponsible.

But let's not waste our time talking about storms. Let's waste our time talking about the real issue here – Taika Waititi. He's a clown. There. Someone has said it, the cat is out of the bag. I mean let's just take a closer look at Taika, shall we? Let's look past the brown skin that he's so precious about, and which he probably thinks gets wetter in a storm than European skins.

Let's look at his feet. He's got great big red clown's shoes. Silly shoes, oversized, galumphing along, trampling New Zealand underfoot. Don't take him seriously, folks. Honk his great big red clown's nose and move on.

I mean he's a talented director, no doubt about that. Boy was a good film, and Thor was even better. You go to see Thor and you come away entertained. But that's something Taika Waititi forgets every time he opens his mouth. He doesn't say entertaining things. He's the classic case of the artist who thinks he has something to say about storms.

MARK RICHARDSON

Taika Waititi has nothing to say about storms. Move on. There's nothing to see here.

Let's take the emotion out of the argument and look at the facts. Well, of course, New Zealand gets storms. The world is a stormy place. Did you know it snowed in the Sahara earlier this year? The world's largest hot desert was blanketed in more than a foot of snow. Well, these things happen, but no one is suggesting that the Sahara is cold as f***.

Name a country which doesn't get storms. You can't. Taika Waititi certainly can't. But there he is, passing himself off as a New Zealand storm expert, that he knows everything about storm conditions in New Zealand, or Aotearoa as he might say, and you can bet he'll claim that he has expertise because he's – rolls eyes – tangata whenua.

Does Taika Waititi even live here? Isn't he swanning around Hollywood most of the time? His experience of New Zealand storms is bound to be limited. He was probably in a storm once in his life. Maybe the thunder gave him bad dreams, who knows. He's probably one of these people who are so afraid of the dark that they think they see things – ghosts, demons, racists. None of these things are real.

AMANDA GILLIES

And now the news. A Maori woman believes a jeweller refused to let her try on a diamond ring because of racial profiling.

The mother-of-three has spoken out about her treatment at a jewellery store following Taika Waititi's comment that New Zealand was "racist as f***". She -

DUNCAN GARNER

Sorry, Amanda, we've run out of time. Let's move on and look at what the weather is doing. We could all do with a bit of sunshine after that f***ing storm!