Steve Braunias: The secret diary of the All Blacks defeat

Jan Thomas, Vice-Chancellor of Massey University. Photo / Supplied

COMMENT:

SIMON BRIDGES

It's not the end of the world that the All Blacks lost but let's be honest, the sky is falling. It's falling, and it's coming down hard on our hopes and dreams. It's a very, very dark day for New Zealand, for men, for women, for children – will anyone think of the children?

Poor little mites, crying themselves to sleep, but Jacinda Ardern doesn't care. She just doesn't care. She's actually totally heartless. And I think we all saw how that affected the ABs.

Because the men in black look for leadership. They look for examples of strength and solidarity. They found it in John Key. We all did, didn't we? John was always there for us, whether it was giving ponytails a good, strong, manly tug, or talking the way he did which resembled English but never quite made a lick of sense. I'm cut from the same cloth, I'm proud to garble. Gargle twice a day and garble all day long, that's my motto.

So where are we? Well, the ABs are a shambles, the Government is a shambles, the entire country from top to bottom is a shambles. It's the end of the world, and I'm available for comment 24/7.

MASSEY UNIVERSITY VICE-CHANCELLOR JAN THOMAS

Like the All Blacks, I take full responsibility for what might be perceived as failings. But did the ABs really lose? It was certainly a very fine margin and I don't think anyone can categorically state that they were defeated, anymore than you could say I was exposed this week as misleading the public over my handling of the Don Brash affair.

I fully accept that certain emails which were released this week gave the impression that I was misleading the public over my handling of the Don Brash affair. But a better way of putting it is that I have absolutely tried to live my life with a level of integrity and I think those emails don't necessarily reflect that.

So where are we? Well, like the All Blacks, I think its best to carry on with an arrogant belief in my own invincibility.

HEATHER DU PLESSIS-ALLAN

Did I celebrate when South Africa beat the All Blacks? No. Because let's be honest. Let's get it out there. Let's not be afraid to voice our opinions. Let's not kowtow to the PC crowd, the braying left, the libtards, and especially the Ivory Tower academics. They're all so deep-thinking and progressive but the moment someone says something that they don't want to see the nuance in, they just take the broad brushstrokes of something.
So let's not waste time with any of them, and let's lay it all down on the table with a bloody big fat broad brushstroke. Because the time for nuance is over.
South Africans are nothing but leeches on New Zealand. I should know.

JACINDA ARDERN

Well, the All Blacks may have lost but the fall-out means there's almost zero possibility I'll feature in the Secret Diary for the fourth consecutive week and be mocked for constantly talking in exclamation marks!!!!