Steve Braunias' Secret Diary of the...Prime Minister

MONDAY

At the end of the day I think the majority of New Zealanders will feel good about this Government's abrupt and laughably half-baked promise to rid the country of pests.

The average Kiwi doesn't like Mr Rat. There's not a lot of love for Mr Stoat, either, and we'd all be better off without Mr Possum. And so we have to be very adult about this.

I sat down with Conservation Minister Maggie Barry and we gave the matter a lot of serious thought over morning tea.

"I think I might order a cup of tea. No, coffee," she said.

"I can't decide between the chocolate lamington and the raspberry lamington," I said.

"No, on second thoughts, tea," she said.

"They both look good," I said.

We met for 15 minutes and the last five or six was devoted entirely to pest control.

As a result of those talks, the Government is pleased to announce we are committed to making New Zealand pest-free by 2050. That gives us a lot of time, so there's no rush. We won't start baiting the traps with cheese just yet.

First, we have to raise the funds.

Apparently there's a report which did the rounds and it said successful eradication would cost $25 billion.

We've crunched the numbers and our research shows that it might only involve weekly instalments of about $4.70.

The news gets even better, because I've talked to some of my mates in the corporate world, and they're willing to match that $4.70 a week through a complex series of tax breaks conducted via Panama.

Now all that takes time of course. I have a busy schedule this week, but I'll have another look at it as soon as I can.

TUESDAY

Bronagh said, "Not going into work today?"

I said, "Yeah. Later. I'm just catching up on some internet banking."

I studied my financial interests in the Bank of America and Colorado-based investment company Little Nell, and totted up my full ownership of the home in Parnell, the holiday home at Omaha Beach, the holiday home at Maui, and the apartment in London.

Bronagh brought in a cup of tea, and looked at the spreadsheets.

"According to this," she said, "our wealth is about $60 million."

"Give or take," I said.

WEDNESDAY

Bronagh said, "Not going into work today?"

I said, "Nope."

THURSDAY

I opened a department store.

FRIDAY

I met with Housing Minister Paula Bennett, and said, "How's that pest eradication programme going?"

She looked blank.

I said, "Our $5000 relocation for families and homeless people to leave Auckland, and live some place else."

She said, "Oh, yes! It's very exciting. As you know, we've set aside $750,000 for 150 families, which will really free up state housing in Auckland."

I said, "How many families have taken advantage of the offer?"

She said, "Twelve."

"How many homeless people?"

"One."

"And how many state houses has that freed up?"

"Six."

I said, "So at that rate, how long would it take to find enough state houses for Auckland's homeless?"

She said, "277 years."

"Well," I said, "I'll probably still be prime minister then."