Steve Braunias: Secret Diary of the Housing Crisis

New Zealand Herald columnist Steve Braunias. 26 November 2014 New Zealand Herald Photograph By Chris Gorman NZH 25Jul15 - NZH 25Jul15 -

JOHN KEY

"At the end of the day I think the majority of New Zealanders would predict that the next words I'm going to say is there is no housing crisis in New Zealand.

"There is no housing crisis in New Zealand.

"The media has kicked up a fuss about one or two Aucklanders who live in their cars. But most Auckland commuters live in their cars. Day in, day out, they're stuck in traffic.

"It's heartbreaking, but they don't just sit there. Well, they do just sit there, for hours on end, but they also do something else, and I recommend it to those one or two people who have gone complaining to the media about living in their cars.

"They make themselves at home.

"They put their feet up. They turn on the radio. They listen to Mike Hosking. It doesn't get any better than that.

"Now if only those one or two people who choose to live in their cars could take learnings from Auckland's commuters. It's amazing what a positive attitude can achieve. When I was growing up, I lived in a shoebox in t'middle of t'road, and look at me now. It hasn't done me any harm.

"Excuse me while I unscrew my head from my shoulders.

"That's better. I like to let it float up and waft around all over the place willy-nilly, and is just out of reach.

"Now I realise that there are a range of reasons why people live in their cars. For that matter there are a range of reasons why people live in garages, shipping containers, tents, and dog boxes, as well as under bridges, shop awnings, motorway overpasses, and desks, and let's not forgot those who live in woodsheds and trees.

"It's a very, very wide range of reasons, and I think people would be surprised at some of the reasons that people give. I think we need to look at each of those reasons pretty carefully, and really crunch the data, before we rush in and make statements about there being as housing crisis when actually nothing supports those claims.

"Oh dear. A breeze has caught my head, and blown it over a field."

ANDREW LITTLE

"There is a housing crisis in New Zealand. I know it. You know it. We all know it, including the family of 37 who are living here in this home in Otara, where I have invited the media to take a good look around. What they see will shock them.

"Thank you all for coming. My name is Andrew Little and as leader of the New Zealand Labour Party, I'd like to welcome the media to this home, and I just ask that you show sensitivity to the 85 people who are living here.

"Right. Okay. Here's the letterbox. Note how full it is. I mean it's overcrowded, isn't it? Just like the home we're about to look at, where I'm told 359 people are living on top of one another.

"Note the tent in the front yard. There's probably a shipping container out the back, and a woodshed.

"Here comes the householder. He looks worried. You would be too if you had to live with 4,890 people in one house.

"He's telling me that I've come to the wrong address. He's saying that the tent is there because he's doing some renovations, and using it for furniture and building materials.

"He denies there's a shipping container out the back. Or a woolshed.

"I think I'll just leave now, and walk quickly away.

"I'm in a field. I need to collect my thoughts. I wish that dog would stop barking. It's running around and chasing a balloon which is wafting around all over the place willy-nilly, and is always just out of reach."