Steve Braunias: Secret Diary of the Birth

WINSTON PETERS

Well of course I congratulate Jacinda Ardern on The Birth but when and how I choose to do that is none of anyone's business.

I think what's important is that she gets plenty of rest. It will do her good to just go home and put her feet up and take care of all the responsibilities of motherhood.

Now I know that Clarke Gayford says he'll be around. but you never know with fishermen, do you? They're liable to just up and leave when the tide is right. And so Jacinda Ardern is best to lock the door, turn off the phone, and stay at home for a very, very long time.

Jacinda Ardern has said she will be taking six weeks' maternity leave. Now that's certainly one option that's open to her, and so is the option of taking six months. So if she took maternity leave until December, Parliament will break up for the summer holidays anyway, so she may as well leave it till February or March in 2019.

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By that stage the baby will be ready for school. At which point Jacinda Ardern would be wise to consider the advantages of being a stay-at-home mother who can walk her daughter to school, help out with homework, and be there for all those little but important moments before the child is ready to leave home at the age of 25.

HELEN CLARK

In a world where there are still glass ceilings to be smashed and where many countries continue to have laws, policies, and practices that discriminate against women, the message from New Zealand is one of hope – that women can break through all barriers and do it in their own way, as Ardern has done. I hope that New Zealand will continue to be a leader in the full inclusion of women in all spheres of its society – and I expect it will be.

In conclusion I wish to mark the occasion of The Birth by issuing that well-known salutation: hip, hip, and furthermore, inclusively, mirthlessly, hooray.

DONALD TRUMP

The whole world has been hearing about The Birth, and I'd like to extend my warmest congratulations to Justin Trudeau and Jacinda Ardern.

I know that as first-time parents they'll be very doting. But they might want to stop and consider that sometimes a child can feel smothered.

That's why we tried to follow the very healthy and actually very kind policy of separating children from their parents at the border detention centres. It's good for children to make their own way in the world and to stand on their own two feet.

But people misunderstood our intentions, and saw a problem when actually it was a very humane solution. Because a lot of these migrant parents are horrible people. They were actually holding their children back. So it's a very complex issue.

I hope that's given Justin and Jacinda something to think about.

DAVID SEYMOUR

Congratulations to the Prime Minister on The Birth. It's wonderful news, even though her daughter is born into a fascist state.

The Government – that is, the baby's mother – is telling people when they can take their holidays. Shouldn't we do away with public holidays, and just let New Zealanders decide when to have a break? Jacinda Ardern is effectively taking away her daughter's free will. No one wants to be told what to do.

Text DAVID to 3333.

TREVOR MALLARD

Congratulations to the Prime Minister on The Birth. I'd just like to say that I'm certainly up for babysitting duties in the House.