Steve Braunias' Secret Diary of ... Judith Collins

COMMENT:

SUNDAY

One felt compelled to move the bird table beneath the oak tree on the northern side of the house. The ingredients should attract the larger avians, such as mynahs, starlings, blackbirds and thrushes, although sparrows and goldfinches are certainly welcome to the feast.

Together, the combined beat of their wings ought to arrive in Wellington on a stiff breeze by midday on Thursday, creating a kind of static in the air, perfectly timed for Simon's press conference and forcing him to raise his voice to be heard.

Those elocution lessons always fail when he speaks loudly.

MONDAY

To caucus, where one expressed deep and profound support for Simon over his handling of this wretched business with Jami-Lee Ross.

I said, "I am behind you one hundred per cent."

He said, "Thank you, Judith."

I said, "I think what Paddy Gower wrote about you in his silly blog on Newshub was a disgrace. 'Simon Bridges is finished.' That was the opening line! Disgraceful. 'Simon Bridges is finished.' How dare he? 'Simon Bridges is finished.' Let's pay it no mind."

"I suggest we get back to business and hammer the Government on fuel tax or something," Simon said.

I said, "Quite right. The gall of that Gower! 'Simon Bridges is finished.' We don't need to dwell on sentiments like that, no matter how widespread they are. 'Simon Bridges is finished.' It's a bit like Candyman, isn't it? Say it three times in a mirror, and it will happen. Well, let's see, shall we? 'Simon Bridges is finished. Simon Bridges is finished. Simon Bridges is finished."'

Simon said, "Are you finished?"

One filed one's nails.

TUESDAY

Tonight's 1 News Colmar Brunton poll has Simon on a low, low 7 per cent as preferred Prime Minister - and myself just 2 behind, on 5 per cent.

WEDNESDAY

Stayed close to Simon all day, and kept two steps behind. Not one, not three. Two steps. Just two steps behind.

THURSDAY

So touching to learn that Cameron Slater has assisted Jami-Lee Ross in his release from Middlemore Hospital's mental health facilities.

Dear old Cam! Such a loyal friend. Always there, always willing and able. We had a lot of fun together back in the day, such good times talking about total destruction and the dismantling of anyone who got in the way.

We can't be seen together anymore. I'm sure he understands. I taught him that it's better to give than receive, but he broke the first rule of modern politics and got caught.

And so the friendship became strained - but the project endures. Dear old Cam!

FRIDAY

So nice to be home and to make dinner in one's own kitchen. One merely had to saunter on to the back deck and pick herbs in their darling little trays. A bit of mint. Some nice coriander, and thyme, basil, two kinds of parsley, and of course a sprig, too, of Conium maculatum, sometimes known as the Australian carrot fern, also devil's bread and devil's porridge, but most commonly known as hemlock.

Stirred the pot. Stirred the pot. Stirred the pot.