Steve Braunias: Secret diary of 2019 horoscopes

A 100 per cent accurate guide to the year. Second part next week.

Steve Braunias provides a 100 per cent accurate guide to your year in the first of his two-part horoscope.

COMMENT:

CAPRICORN (December 23-January 20)

How would you rate your experience with anxiety in 2018? Kept a lid on it but things simmered and seethed just underneath/the lid rattled sometimes and a full-scale eruption often seemed imminent/the lid erupted, and destroyed everything in sight? Things can't go on like this in 2019 - and the good news is that it won't. A new period of calm will soothe ancient grievances, resolve buried conflicts. Make the most of summer. Get on your bike, or take a hike. Travel beckons in winter; employment opportunities figure in spring. See your family doctor, and bathe often.

AQUARIUS (January 21-February 19)

You've got a lot on, so here's 2019 in bullet points:

• Frugality.

• Binge drinking.

• Underwater photography.

• The Court of Appeal.

• Misandry.

• Glenfield Mall.

• Vinyl.

• The unbearable melancholy of Sunday morning.

• Other people's children.

PISCES (February 20-March 20)

You're prepared to give someone the world, the Moon, and the stars, but do they want a bar of it? Think about going your own way. Loneliness isn't as bad as the statistics suggest. Your interests have always been wide and they're about to widen to the point where the news media might start asking questions. When it comes to righting wrongs in the community, remember this: you're right, they're hopelessly wrong. Lunch takes on new meanings and so does hunger. Desire is an appetite that exists to remain unsatisfied, but dig in regardless.

ARIES (March 21-April 20)

You have fixed ideas when it comes to love and friendship about seeking out only a certain type of person. Narrow it down even further. You're on the right track; you can never be too conservative. Work will have its struggles and tensions. You might find yourself walking the plank. Hang on by your fingertips and it'll all blow over by Xmas. When in doubt, dance. Make a boring Wednesday at 2.15pm feel like Saturday after midnight at the Viaduct. Lucky number pi, lucky colour burnt sienna.

TAURUS (April 21-May 21)

Much to think about this year. Is this really late-period capitalism? Can we be sure that the world we experience is not just a figment of our imaginations? If we encountered alien life, would we recognise it? Is there any escape from LinkedIn? How does the brain, with its diverse distributed functions, come to arrive at a unified sense of identity? True or false: In war, events of importance are the result of trivial causes? What will drive gold prices higher? What are we going to do about China? What's for dinner?

GEMINI (May 22-June 21)

All and any problems are your own fault. You always think it's about you, and the consequences are that it means bad times for others in your life. Do you really care? Maybe start doing things that show that you do. The key acronym in 2019 is: STFU. Keep your head down, and tend to the garden. When the sun sets, stay indoors. Apologise.