Kate Stewart
So often when you think about twins, you are almost romanced by the idea of the unbreakable bond that will be formed between them. You hear stories of them being so close they share thoughts and, in some cases, even share physical pleasure and pain.
Surprise, surprise ... this is not one of those stories. Quite the opposite, in fact, and just my bloody luck - my two can't stand the sight of each other.
Years after I gave birth to identical twins I read an article that suggested behaviour in the womb could go a long way to explaining behaviour out of the womb. Many might dismiss the idea as plain crazy but now, as I look back, I think they may be on to something.
Upon first hearing I was having the clones, the only thought that kept me sane was the not unreasonable expectation that, due to space issues, my two parasitic tenants would have to vaKATE before their nine-month tenancy was up. Just my luck, again ... I actually made it to the start of my 40th week. Oh lucky me.
I'm sure the bond was there in the beginning, before overcrowding became an issue. My womb was a low maintenance, one-bedroom studio apartment with 24- hour room service in what used to be a very desirable location.
It's devalued considerably since then to the point of being abandoned. Structural damage has taken its toll and I can't even take out insurance on it until I have it earthquake-strengthened. And, as for the section ... it's in a pretty sorry state. The eviction process, though relatively fast, was not straightforward. Clone 1 was in the breech position, hence the over-staying, while Clone 2 was raring to get out. This is where I think the resentment started - not only had Clone 1 delayed Clone 2's entrance into the world and severely restricted his movement, birth weights suggested that Clone 1 had also been tucking down on more than his fair share of the food.
Looking back I shouldn't have been surprised when Clone 1 was actually born dead. It would be 14 minutes before he would breathe on his own. If you had flashed up an ultrasound five minutes prior to birth, I'm sure I would have seen Clone 2 strangling Clone 1 with their shared umbilical chord.
By contrast, once Clone 1 had paved the way, Clone 2 was delivered with all the force and speed of a fast bowler and literally had to be caught as he went flying through the room. He screamed an appeal of some kind and hasn't shut up until this day. As babies they were total opposites. Clone 1 was placid and content with a healthy appetite; he never crawled, he bum shuffled - a direct reflection of his positioning in my womb. Clone 2, on the other hand, was on the go constantly, as if making up for lost time. Even as a babe, it appeared that when lying side-by-side, he was actually trying to physically attack his brother.
When I would go in to settle them at night, I was expecting to find Clone 2 levitating above Clone 1, his head spinning 360 degrees and spewing green plasma-like fluid. Today, he seems to have reverted back to womb time and is bone idle - he gets winded just blinking. His appetite is voracious - it's like he's stockpiling so as never to be deprived again, and he still takes any chance he can get to exact his revenge on Clone 1.
I was prepared for sibling rivalry but these two life forms have taken it to a whole other level. I can only hope that, in time, just like the financial bond on a property, their bond will be restored and returned to them and that there will be a "happily ever after". On the bright side - and there always is one - at least if Clone 2 does dispense with Clone 1, it's one less for me to "off".
Speaking of off, I'm off to practise my twerking. Smile loudly, till next week. Drop me a line anytime, I always welcome your feedback - investik8@gmail.com