Restructuring: Angel redundancies a cost-cutting measure

Terry Sarten

The celestial realm has announced that, as part of an austerity drive, some staff will be made redundant. According to an inside source, named as senior manager resources, unless there is a miracle of some sort, hundreds of angels may lose their jobs.

Management has provided little comment on the restructuring plans, apart from a brief media statement saying that an independent review has shown there is an urgent need to reconfigure the roles of angels to better fit the image of a “modern, relevant kingdom experience for all who enter”. There was some stuff about the “eye of a needle” and a passing reference to camels but it was not clear how this was relevant to the impending redundancies.

An HR department press release states the various angel roles will be advertised and all angels with the relevant experience and qualifications are encouraged to apply for the new positions.

Most of the angels whose jobs are likely to go are those working in roles that management considers could effectively be filled by non-angels. The Seraphim, as senior executives in the heavenly hierarchy, are not under threat, but the Cherubim, who are the record-keepers and guardians of the glory, are very likely to see their jobs go. Their task of guarding the way to the tree of life is to be contracted out, along with the maintenance of the celestial chariot fleet and generic throne-bearing duties for the CEO.

In a further cost-cutting move, harp lessons will no longer be free. The ban on ukuleles will remain because “they go plinkty-plonk and angels have been mistaken for Tiny Tim when making celestial public appearances”.

An official memo has been sent out to all angels stating they will now be required to purchase their own work clothes. The standard-issue, one-size-fits-all white robe and halo are available from a Chinese company that has outsourced the work to an outdoor clothing manufacturer in Gore.

The angels known as Thrones, who consider how heavenly decisions should be manifested to bring about justice according to universal laws, will be replaced by a small team of appointed advisers.

The Dominions, angels providing clerical and administrative support to ensure the universe keeps working as it should and the whole majesty thing remains manifest, are also facing cuts. There will be a reduction in the “majesty” budget with the focus shifting to a more low-key advertising campaign using the slogan “It’s either here or the other place” linked to a call centre in China.

Of particular concern to heaven watchers is the rumoured loss of many jobs in the Archangel department. These angels provide a crucial function as the key intermediaries between Heaven and Earth and any reduction in numbers could have a dramatic effect on human kindness.

An angel named Fred, speaking on condition of anonymity, has told media that the Heavenly Angels Labour Organisation (HALO) is talking about industrial action. This may include work to rule around certain tasks, with members doing only basic guardian angel duties and boycotting the on-call roster. The possibility of strike action around Easter and Christmas time has not been ruled out.

Of greatest concern is the potential loss of jobs among ordinary angels. Traditionally, they have been assigned to every person at birth. Following the external review, this has been deemed an inefficient use of angel time and it is understood that in future there will be one guardian angel per 100,000. An innovative software programme called Hallelujah 2011 will be installed on all workstations to assist angels to manage their caseload.

According to the celestial press release, the restructuring and resulting efficiencies will free up resources to support the important task of marketing the manifesting of majesty.

– Terry Sarten lives in Whanganui and describes himself as a satirista, musician and social worker. Email: tgs@inspire.net.nz or https://www.terrysarten.co.n