Radical acceptance as nagging, sulking

In my sixth article for the Midweek I talked about radical acceptance, the term coined by American Buddhist teacher and psychotherapist Tara Brach.
In a recent mindfulness teaching session I was attempting to convey something of the quality of radical acceptance. I thought I had come up with a brilliant metaphor. I was comparing our inability to bring radical acceptance to our life as being similar to "nagging and sulking".
In actuality as a spoken teaching metaphor it fell very flat, as evidenced by the blank faces looking back at me.
I can be a stubborn creature sometimes, so rather than give up on the metaphor I shall see where it goes as a written exploration ...
When we are faced by something we don't like in ourselves or others we often begin an inner or outer "nagging" dialogue. You could almost say that we are in the grip of a constant background "nag" towards ourselves and those closest to us for the many "failings" we see displayed on a daily basis.
Or alternatively, we "sulk": we withdraw our energy and life from ourselves, the other person or the situation.
Most of us, if we reflect with any sort of depth, know that actually, nagging and sulking doesn't really improve ourselves, others or the situation we seek to change.
We "know" this and yet I'd invite you to see for yourself the myriad ways you unwittingly (and perhaps very subtly) take this approach, (as a kind of hidden, unexamined theory): that nagging and sulking is a "reasonable" response to things not going "our way". In my ongoing enquiry with life, I find the way to new possibilities and growth is rarely about learning a new "strategy", but in be willing to "shine a light" (even though this might be a very uncomfortable process) at what I do that is causing either overt suffering or unpleasant "shutdown" and exploring the possibility of ending it!!
Radical acceptance becomes less of an abstract theory than a clearing away of default positions and then seeing what arises when I stop withdrawing my energy from life.
When I cease to compare myself and my life in this moment to some imagined ideal, (find it wanting and then become sullen and disappointed), when I cease to bring this way of responding, something altogether new emerges, which is not so much about "me". It is a fresh relationship with others and with life as it is: unpredictable, mysterious, unable to be controlled. And all the more beautiful and interesting because this is so!
In the words of Ed Brown (A famous Zen Chef from the US): "Then came an exquisite moment of actually tasting my biscuits without comparing them to some (previously hidden) standard. They were wheaty, flaky, buttery, sunny, earthy, REAL. They were incomparably alive, present, vibrant - in fact much more satisfying than any memory ...
Trying to produce a biscuit (or a life) with no dirty bowls, no messy feelings, no depression or anger (had been) so frustrating." Quoted by Tara Brach in her book Radical Acceptance ... Tara herself goes on to say, "When we stop comparing ourselves to some assumed standard of perfection, the 'biscuits of today', this very life we are living right now, can be tasted and explored, honoured and appreciated fully. When we put down ideas of what life should be like, we are free to wholeheartedly say yes to our life as it is."
Radical acceptance is the willingness to begin to let go of the obvious and more hidden concepts we have of what needs to improve for our life to be absolutely OK right now!
This may sound idealistic, but actually is the very opposite of idealism: it is "earthy and real" and practical to let go of patterns that continually cause us to suffer.
After all, would it be sensible to keep using the same recipe if it kept giving you the "wrong biscuit"?
Annie Chapman is a certified yoga teacher and massage therapist with a daily yoga and meditation practice. She teaches yoga and mindfulness at Balance Whanganui, and also teaches out in the community as a facilitator for Mindfulness Works, a nationwide Mindfulness Training company.
The next Whanganui Introduction to Mindfulness & Meditation course will begin in April. Details will become available soon at http://mindfulnessworks.co.nz/an-introduction-to-mindfulness-meditation-4-week-course-whanganui/
¦For more info re Annie's other courses in Heartful Yoga and Meditation this year please: email anniechapman@actrix.co.nz and for info re Mindfulness and Yoga at Balance Whanganui contact annie@balancewhanganui.org.nz