Kate Stewart
In a world almost held hostage by the ridiculously absurd need to be (or appear to be) politically correct at any cost, I can't help but contemplate what Christmas might be like in, say, five to 10 years.
Let's start with Father Christmas, himself. He'll have to go ... on the grounds of sexism and possibly even racism. I predict a new "select a Santa" system where people can choose the Santa who best represents them and their lifestyle.
Santas on offer may include the standard white, heterosexual male model standing alongside the straight female with black, homosexual, lesbian, mentally ill and disabled versions. And future Santas could be as young as 15 providing the standard youth pay rate is met.
Dreaming of a white Christmas will be about all you can do before the much-loved song is snatched from the airwaves after claims that it is racist. White wine will be renamed "light wine" and even black and white pepper will come under scrutiny. An inquiry and subsequent referendum will be necessary to clarify the debate on racially offensive sugars, sauces and chocolates.
Equal opportunity employment laws will ensure that large helpers are taken on to work alongside the traditional little helpers and even the reindeer will face some redundancies as animal activist groups seek a fairer representation of animal breeds to power the mighty sleigh.
I can just see it now - an eclectic mix of creatures in all manner of shapes, sizes and colours. A white rhino, a black panther, a brown (bi-racial) bear, a blind bat and a gay giraffe to name a few.
Santa's sleigh, upon entry to New Zealand, will have to comply with VTNZ standards and will undoubtedly be pink stickered. Santa will, of course, be fined for not having the appropriate booster seats for the accompanying elves.
Back in our homes, the only approved method of wrapping presents will be with "red tape", and health and safety will deem ribbon and bows unsafe as they could cause accidental strangulation.
Wrapping paper, itself, will be deemed a fire hazard and strings of popcorn a choking hazard. Ice buckets to keep the Chrissie bubbly cold will have to be fully fenced if they hold more than six inches of water for fear of drowning and all those in the vicinity of the ice bucket will have to, by law, wear life jackets.
Crackers (sorry, "bon bons") can be only be pulled if the users are wearing protective ear gear. Yes, crackers - and even nuts - will also undergo a name change, so as not to offend those affected by mental illness.
The Christmas fairy atop the tree will gradually be phased out and replaced by the star to appease the gay population, as will fairy lights, which will incidentally have to run on low-energy, eco bulbs.
The classic Kiwi barbecue will be held in an underground blast-proof bunker - council-approved, of course. This will serve to protect us from exploding gas bottles and keep air pollution to a minimum.
Setting your brandy-doused Christmas pudding on fire will also require a compulsory permit, smoke detector and fire extinguisher. Shall I go on?
Sound too far-fetched? Tell that to Santa, who is no longer permitted to use the catchphrase "Ho, ho, ho ..." - it's derogatory to women, didn't you know?
But I'm now off to make my Christmas FRUIT cake with WHITE sugar - and if people find that offensive, sue me. It's a family tradition and I'm not giving it up.
I might really tempt fate and buy myself an electronic FAG. Ooh, how naughty am I? Santa won't be visiting me ... oh yes, he will. I forgot, in this great PC world, even the naughty, non-achievers get a reward of some kind - we can't have anyone feeling left out.
As it's the season of giving, here's my email address for feedback: investik8@gmail.com.
So smile loudly and go NUTS this weekend - it might be the last chance you get.Kate Stewart is an unemployed, politically-incorrect reluctant mother of three, with a penchant for fruitcake.