Preparations to celebrate Empty Nest Day

I don't know about you but I for one am well and truly over this relentless wind. Balls of amassed cat and dog fur are rolling through the lounge like tumbleweed as I write. The only glimmer of hope is that a freak tornado will descend over the house, picking up all three life forms and transporting them up the Island, delivering them safely at their father's doorstep, allowing both me and the withered crone a well-earned break.

Waffle on the other hand seems unfazed by the weather. I'm sure if I was able to keep him in a constant state of happiness and excitement I could harness the energy created by his tail, which seems to have all the makings of a mini wind farm. Maybe he could power the Xbox, PC or the hair straighteners, the three currently most vital pieces of technology in the world to the life forms, two of which have that style where their faces are all but totally obscured by perfectly straightened locks.

A highlight of my week was a real conversation with a life form. I'm talking multiple sentences here people and quite a few of them. A huge contrast from the usual grunts and one word responses that I have become accustomed to of late. In hindsight I wish I had made an audio recording of this rare event, not just for sentimental reasons but as proof that such things are possible. Of course no such event could be without its down side. It wasn't until our conversation was over and the said life form went to leave the room that I realised that due to the above-mentioned hairstyle I had in fact been talking to the back of his head. I was plugged in and engaged with these weird species we call teens; even more remarkable was that the talk did not involve any mention of money, use of the Blatmobile or the threat of bodily harm, so not even that was going to ruin the moment and it was preferable to a brick wall.

Moving on, after many deep and meaningfuls with Waffle we decided to investiKATE the issue of the Empty Nest: How prepared are you?

For up to 18 years and for many poor souls beyond, our lives revolve around raising and readying our kids for the outside world. Finding yourself left childless will evoke many feelings, each mother'sexperience will be different and there is no right or wrong way to behave when it happens. Many relish the idea of reclaiming their freedom and rediscovering themselves, while others are left feeling that life has lost its purpose and they almost undergo a grieving process of sorts, finding the idea of "letting go" almost too much to bear.

Anyone who knows me will be aware that an empty nest is the realisation of a dream come true. Traditionally the most important and anticipated day of any woman's life is of course their wedding day. Not for me peeps, I've been looking forward to this day ever since the parasitic vermin attached themselves to my womb and I can't wait to celebrate Empty Nest Day. Though it's still a year or two away, you can never be too prepared for such a momentous occasion. It takes a great deal of vision and planning.

In my case I have imagined many a scenario, leaving me with options that I am still in the process of exploring. It's as stressful as wedding planning and no detail can be overlooked. The options that I am considering are not without cost and are very reliant on the behaviour of the life forms, which will ultimately determine how often I choose to grace them with my presence once they have been served with their eviction notices.

Should I elect to maintain regular contact with them the changes will be minimal. Locks will be changed for the obvious reason. We don't want to encourage an open-door policy. Their old bedrooms will be stripped of all things personal and turned into guest rooms. A flatmate or boarder may be taken in to help cover household expenses. A small selection of favourite foods will be made available, but they will not be pandered to.

In the case of limited contact, where you call the shots, downsize your nest to a maximum of two bedrooms, get an unlisted number, ensuring it's a case of "don't call me, I'll call you". Caller ID might be an idea if want to screen calls. Stock no favourite foods and have a supply of rocks and other awkwardly shaped items to place under the mattress on the rare occasions they are permitted to stay the night.

An optional extra would be to change your name by deed poll so if you are working they will be unable to contact you at your place of employment and have plenty of ABBA music playing almost 24/7.

If no contact is your preference and money is no object I suggest "buying" a new identity, complete with documents like visas, DL and passport. Undergo complete facial reconstruction surgery, maybe even give gender re-assignment a go and then choose your preferred country in which to begin your childfree life.

The budget alternative is to stage a complete mental breakdown, resulting in you being committed to a care facility for the insane. Here you will get free room and board, recreational activities, medications to relax you and aid sleep, and you can request no visitors. Sounds like a Club Med holiday to me. Failing that you could commit a crime, non-violent of course, but one that comes with a long custodial sentence. Turn yourself in, enter an early guilty plea and let them know that if released you won't hesitate to re-offend, in the hope that they keep you locked up longer. As above you will be set for life, literally. Yes, there may be some work involved, but it's a small price to pay for a childless existence.

No matter how far off the Empty Nest event is, it pays to be prepared. The devil is in the detail and it's never too early to get the ball rolling. If you have any ideas on Empty Nest you would like to share, email me: investik8@gmail.com. Til next time, beware the wind ... it blows!!! Don't forget to smile loudly.