In news terms I am clearly light years ahead of TVOne which acts as a source of great hope to me.
There is still time for my revolutionary ideas, like Living Funerals and Shopping Trolley Bull Bars to become a reality.
I must resign myself to the fact that the world just needs a little more time to catch up with me.
With that in mind I thought it was time I offered the city my own creative-type solution to our odour woes.
The way I see it, we have two options. My first suggestion will definitely throw the cats (while they are still here) among the pigeons, but I am convinced that with the right attitude we could be on to a real winner.
Learn to love it, by turning a negative into a positive we can rename, rebrand and revive. Let's give Rotorua a real run for their money.
By renaming our beautiful city PONGanui we not only own our odour proudly, we can also put an end to "H" debate once and for all. Imagine the marketing as we showcase the countless attractions that PONGanui has to offer. I can see it now.
Students fighting for a place at POOHcol and daily tours through the Sargeant FART Gallery.
Experience first-hand the hot, black sand at CastleWHIFF beach. Relax, stay a while, where they go the extra mile at the AROMAho Top 10 Holiday Park, and for views that never stop, make your way to the top of the Durie Hill SMELLevator.
So let's meet for a drink and hear what you think at the Square in city SCENTre. We might smell like old ARSE, but we do it with class, right here in PONGanui.
I admit it's going to take some getting used to but over time I truly believe that we will learn to welcome the odour like we would an old friend.
Just throwing it out there, people. Something to think about if all else fails.
Obviously, the ideal solution is the one of total odour elimination and I have been thinking hard to come up with an idea that is not only successful but affordable. Waffle and I discussed the issue into the wee hours of the morning and finally we came up with a crazy plan that just may work.
Tried and tested and used the world over and best of all cheap as chips, we settled on ... wait for it ... baking soda!
While the big wigs and the powers that be sit around the table, point scoring, agreeing to disagree and recklessly spending ratepayer monies, I'm sure we can arrange for a quick aerial assault.
Add a dash of white vinegar and a splash of lemon juice and let the wondrous white powder work its magic. Well, Waffle and I think it's a great idea and at this point I'm sure we are all willing to give just about anything a go.
It could just be the solution to our air pollution and did I mention it's cheap to boot?
Speaking of Waffle, he's waiting patiently in the wings to type his contribution and I can't bear the thought of the naughty step again. Smile loudly and proudly, PONGanui rocks!!!
Waffle's Bone of Contention
To all the sports and news readers who reported that golfer Lydia Ko had a bad final day of play, after dropping a few shots. How can an amateur placing third possibly be classed as a bad day?
Poor bloody girl, no wonder she is in no hurry to turn professional. We do this to our athletes all the time ... display just a hint of talent and within minutes the expectations of a nation are immediately heaped upon your shoulders and God help you if you don't deliver. Shame on you, give the girl a break.
