Psychic: "I can talk to people on the other side - get messages from them to the living. I have spent years developing this scam - I mean skill - providing a valuable service to my bank account. I can tell from your energy that you have recently lost someone dear to you.
They have a message for you. It says that if a psychic comes to you with a small request you should grant it."
Immigration official: "What qualifications do you hold that support your employment in New Zealand?"
Psychic: "I have an online degree in marketing and the art of reading body language from Universities R Us.
I only communicate across the great divide to the best of those at rest. Celebrities are my speciality; Dead Dukes, sports heroes, Hollywood stars - none of your riff raff. No cleaning ladies or dustmen."
Immigration official: "That doesn't give you many immigration points on the skills criteria. How much do you earn? It must be at least $48,859 with relevant skills or $73,299 without the skills.
I will need to see your bank account to verify this before we can proceed." (It just occurred to me that my part-time salary wouldn't qualify me for New Zealand residency - so even though I was born here I might have to leave and I wouldn't be able to let myself back in)
Psychic: "Hmmm - I can only predict the future of deceased people and generally that doesn't change much.
To answer your question - my income depends on the gullibility ratio within a given population. It's not hard to fake communicating with deceased people.
Everyone has lost someone. I ask the usual questions, get answers that match what I am saying and then turn them into messages from the great beyond. Nobody can check if the messages are real so it's money for scam."
Immigration Official: "This kind of work is not on our list of skill shortages. We have enough cons and scams already. Can you cook or code? Five star chefs and IT people are hot right now. Apart from pretending to talk to dead people have you any other skills? Scientist, health professional, engineer?"
Psychic: "Excuse me while pretending to go into a trance-like state. I am hearing a voice - it is the voice of a great ancestor. She is speaking to me from far away. She says she is in Invercargill. She says she has never murdered anyone but wished she had when she thinks about some of her relatives. Her voice is growing faint - she is telling me that I am probably too old to meet the residency criteria."
Immigration Official: "Yes - indeed sir your great aunt is right. I see on your passport that you are 57 years of age."
Tel (aka Terry Sarten) is a Whanganui-based musician, writer and satirist - feedback: tgs@inspire.net.nz
