The life of a lapsed sceptic is a difficult one. Every week, I take my irony tablets, gather my wits, facts and small collection of big words to write sensible, thoughtful stuff that then vanishes over the media horizon.
Attention-grabbing headlines seems to be the only way to get noticed these days, so I have decided to become vacuous and outrageous. Facile and pointless certainly seems to work for some people. Look at Gerry Brownlee. He insulted Christchurch residents, describing their criticism of the earthquake recovery as "carping and moaning", adding that complainers were likely those who had time to "buggerise around on Facebook all day", and now we are all talking about him.
Insult, imaginative invective, blaming and generalised name calling seems to be the way to go in this world where attention-seeking behaviour has become a full-time occupation.
Having observed closely how it is done, clearly I need to begin by slagging off various people whose opinions I don't agree with. I will compile a list of those I deem to be either (a) complete tossers or (b) those who are incomplete tossers and need to do more work to achieve the full title. This list will include people who are good at doing bad things and bad people who are bad at doing good things. I will tell these people that "distance becomes you". At first they will be puzzled but will soon realise that this means (to quote the Goon Show) that I am "as faraway from them as they are from me" and that I like it that way.
I will then insult people's intelligence by turning my ego up to 11 (refer Spinal Tap) and blaming it all on the way others have provoked me, an unexpected horoscope prediction or the discombobulating long-term effects of an idyllic childhood. Any of these choices should get me a free ride on the Sorry-Go-Round, allowing me to apologise and "move on". Any detractors, objectors, passive aggressive types or thuggish academics will be told to "leap away".
No more sweating over well-researched pieces on matters of import filled with big words and even bigger ideas. From now on there will be insults, bad language, mixed metaphors, lousy puns and lots of ugly syntax. Sorry but it has to be done. It is the only way I will get a headline and my 15 seconds of fame. NB: It used to be 15 minutes but the new austerity means it has suffered in the recent cutbacks.
I will find something or someone who is an easy target and aim all my wordy weapons at them. I will call them names. I will label them as being "other", as this will allow me to treat them with disdain. It is an old trick and one politicians know well. If you can successfully label a group of people as being "different" it becomes one small step for man's unkindness and one great leap for bigotry.
Dear readers - if, as a result, I have insulted some of you part of the time and some parts of you all of the time, then I will write a long-winded whisky and tear-stained apology and trust it will be accepted in the spirit with which it was written.
Terry Sarten lives in Whanganui. He is a writer, musician, social worker and card-carrying member of the Satirista. Feedback email: tgs@inspire.net.nz