Mums, dads do survive teens

Liza Iliffe Photo/File

Parents have often commented to us over the years that there are a lot of resources to support parents of young children but not a lot for teenagers.

It seems that these next tricky years are often looked on with trepidation. But those who have seen their children safely through the teenage years can tell you that you will survive, and generally come out unscathed, with confident, capable adults at the other end.

Understanding what is happening through the teenage years and what to expect is a big help. It's easy to see teenagers as being moody and difficult. They can be, but not because they're bad, it's because of all the changes they're going through.

Research shows changes in teenage brains cause some of their behaviour. Increases in a substance called myelin speeds up brain processing. At the same time, parts of the brain that aren't used are being pruned.

What teenagers do with their time can influence the way their brain develops. The part of the brain that develops when lying around watching TV all day or playing computer games is different from the parts that will develop when they study, do sport or art, or play music.

The part of the brain that manages organisation, planning, decision-making and impulse control is still developing.

Getting angry when your children aren't managing their time isn't fair and will not help your relationship. Instead, you can help them learn to plan and prioritise while they develop these skills themselves.

Some teenagers are impulsive. They have to do things in order to learn and find out about things. Set clear rules about alcohol that they have to follow when you're not there to supervise. Explain the risks of alcohol and drugs. Set an example in the way you drink and limit the availability of alcohol. At this age the brain is more likely to be affected by alcohol. Drugs, binge drinking and smoking marijuana can affect memory and attention and young people's ability to manage the transition to adulthood.

You're their parent, not their friend. Keep them safe and talk through the boundaries you set for them.

Also at this age, reproductive hormones - oestrogen in girls and testosterone in boys - are released. This leads to changes in body shape and the development of sexual organs. Teenagers also have an increase in the hormone melatonin, which changes their sleeping patterns.

Help them understand that everyone develops differently and at different ages. Help them understand that what they are going through is normal.

Growth hormones work when teenagers are asleep. That's why teenagers need lots of rest.

As these hormones make all these changes, teenagers think about themselves more.

They get self-conscious about how they look and worry if they are different from their friends.

Hormones can lead to bursts of energy. Give them time and space to burn this off.

You don't have to drive them everywhere. Walking or cycling to school gives them independence and exercise.

The Ideas for Parents of Teenagers booklets are FREE and there are six in the set. If you would like a copy, contact Liza and Lynette at SKIP Whanganui, ph/text 027 626 1404 or email skipwhanganui@xtra.co.nz