In fact, within the next month or so I should be the proud new owner of a brand spanking new hip joint. But right now, that part of my body is the least of my worries.
Everything - from my fingers to my shoulders to the other hip to my knees, ankles and toes - is giving me the proverbial gip.
Thankfully, She Who Makes Me Smile read a medical book or two once (she’s actually a proper nurse specialist with a few decades experience under her belt) and she has an idea.
It’s water. More specifically the fact I should drink a lot more of it. In fact I drink very little – if any - water but overindulge in coffee.
Now I should point out here this painful issue has cropped up within my ample frame several times over the years and each time the medical professional I have paid a small fortune to for treatment has recommended I increase my daily uptake of water.
They say, as does Mrs P, water is the best lubricant and while it won’t completely stave off the ravages of age, time and overindulgence it will help make things work a bit better.
Naturally, as you do, I’ve dramatically increased my water intake each time I’ve been told to and everything has been fine-ish for a week or two.
Then I generally start to forget about it and fall back into my old habits, i.e. not drinking enough water.
I tend to think it’s because water is, well, a bit boring isn’t it? I mean wouldn’t it be great if it could be red wine or a nice craft beer. Groan. We can but dream.
Anyway.
There I am sitting there with Mrs P complaining about my aches and pains and she comes up with the water lecture, er, I mean advice, again.
Yes, I agreed I should drink more than the one glass I struggle with a day. Yes, I have said that before but I will try harder this time.
As she spoke my mind started to wander – again – and then I heard a slight variation to the normal lecture.
She was offering what can only be described as an “incentive-based contract” this time around, all designed to increase my water uptake and thus help reduce my pain and make me less grumpy.
In a nutshell, she said if I drank a certain amount of water each day she would show me a different part of her anatomy in reward.
And before, Dear Reader, you start claiming to be all shocked and horrified at the suggestion, take a chill pill. I’m betting many of you will have trodden the same path at some stage, albeit behind closed doors.
Mind you. I bet when you did, it did not involve such judicious clarity in terms of the contract proposed by My Beloved.
For instance, the reward for my consumption of three glasses of water I felt would be sufficient to elevate my heart rate enough to leave me breathless.
Six glasses and I’d be in danger of needing CPR. Any more than that and it’s pretty much lights out and a trip in an ambulance, albeit with a wickedly satisfying smile spread across my face.
Naturally, with any contract negotiation – I say “negotiation”. The reality is I was going to agree with this proposal whatever. Who wouldn’t ? - Mrs P had some conditions.
Firstly she needed to be present for my consumption of the water.
Disappointingly, for me, she wouldn’t just take my word for it. I thought I might be able to get away with just saying I’d drunk six glasses on any particular day then sit back and enjoy the show. Bugger.
And nor would I be able to secure any viewing ahead of the consumption. This wasn’t a “buy now, pay later” kind of offer she said firmly. Bugger. Again, I thought. There goes any thoughts of seeing the movie now and taking six weeks to pay off the ticket.
Anyway, we got through to the end of the negotiations with a few laughs and I thanked My Beloved for caring so much about my health.
Obviously, while the offer was very much appreciated I felt I would come across as rather shallow if I agreed to it.
So, being the noble individual I am, I called a halt to the talks, gave her a hug and went for a walk to think things through.
And I have. Right now I need a drink of water, Or six. Just in case she feels like reopening negotiations.
