As I headed into some decent self-reflection it dawned on me, my measure of success is my own, not others'. For example, I had decided a long time ago that my goals in life were to have a job that I love, to learn constantly and gain knowledge, to climb mountains, get dirty, grow myself as a person, find love, travel the world and re-experience childhood with my kids.
I didn't want to put all my effort into one thing (such as a career) as that meant I missed out on too many other things.
There are advantages in progressing your career. I have friends who are incredibly successful and reap the rewards. They love what they do and their lives are amazing.
It is easy to compare myself to them and think that I haven't done as well in life. However, when I dig a little deeper I realise I am 100 per cent successful in life, according to my own values, goals, maturity (or lack of it) and honouring my strengths.
There are always going to be people you will perceive as more successful in life, just as there will be people you perceive as less successful than yourself. I think that when you compare yourself to others to estimate how you are doing in life then your definition of success can become warped.
When we compare ourselves to other people we generally are comparing our un-accomplishments to other people's over-accomplishments. But if we remind ourselves of our achievements (what our strengths are and our contributions are to the world have been, in whatever shape or form) then I think this sets us up for greater success and happiness.
For the times when we do compare ourselves to other people, stop and think: Is it motivating for me to compare myself to Jane, Bob or Rachel, or is it just making me feel bad.
For when we use other people's accomplishments and success stories as a source of inspiration and something to learn from, rather than to be jealous of, then we feel far more motivated and energised.
I feel this way when reading the biography of someone amazing, and when I get the chance to spend time with people I admire.
I think the 21st century has had a lot to do with how we define success, which is based more on individual material wealth, possessions and social status. Don't fall for it - define your success in terms of your own strengths, goals, values, passion, and what you've been able to achieve in your own life.
If you are a doctor, a mother, a tradie or a postman, you have unique strengths backed by unique experiences that are meaningful and successful in your world.
This whole thought process has consolidated for me what my definition of success is. Strengths such as kindness, empathy, humility, generosity, compassion, resilience, tenacity and a thirst for knowledge are some of my ideas of success - what are yours?
-A registered psychologist with a masters in applied psychology, Wanganui mother-of-two Kristen Hamling is studying for a PhD in wellbeing at Auckland University of Technology.
