Man Ban scuttling has put kibosh on plans

High on life (not the life forms) and news of the so called Man Ban, I was ready to embark on my new career path of choice, an MP.

For once the deck was stacked in my favour. I am female, debatable but true, my kids are half alien so that's a giant tick for the ethnicity box and I had all three kids in less than one year ... if that's not a bloody disability of some kind then it should be. I am emotionally handicapped to say the least. All boxes ticked, I'm a dead cert. It's my time to shine.

I'd even popped out at the weekend and parked in the Ave, next to some tumbleweed but away from the market, and got some fabric swatches and paint charts so I could start work on my new office do-over, in the Beehive. I scoured the Chronicle looking for a vacant property to transform into my campaign headquarters. Everything was coming together nicely.

Then Shearer dropped the bomb that the Man Ban was no more and I've been in a deep state of depression ever since. At least it's another POD (Point of Distinction) I can add to my ever-growing list, should the opportunity avail itself to me again.

Even though it wasn't required (which is somewhat strange) I'd even taken the time to thrash out some pretty meaty policy on which to base my bid for political office.

I would have first rushed through, with urgency and absolutely no consultation, new legislation to outlaw all bed legs while simultaneously making the box basing of beds compulsory. This would, of course, ensure no "reds under our beds".

I would have introduced further legislation to make our fine country a drone-free zone and appointed Kim Dotcom mayor of the Super City, all effective immediately, sending a clear two-fingered signal to Obama and the Chinese (assuming they can see it through the smog) that a new superpower is rising faster than Auckland property prices.

I would have sent all non-performing SOEs to the smelter for melting and sold them for scrap.

No more bail outs and funding for top heavy businesses that fail to fund themselves.

Most crucially I would have axed the X Factor immediately. Oh, the plans I had.

Knowing the importance of high self esteem and the problems labels can cause, I would have given our benefit system a much needed overhaul.

The first step would be to recognise BAD (Benefit Addiction Disorder) as an actual illness that qualifies the sufferer for an extra $50 a week. The DPB would be replaced by the SCUM benefit (Socially Challenged Unwed Mum), sickness and invalid benefits would come under the umbrella of the new and all encompassing MUD payment (Medically Unable to Deliver) and the standard unemployment benefit would become the PIG (Productively Inept Groupie).

On the education front, all schools would be providing breakfast, lunch and dinner with an optional supper club by 2018.

By 2020 all schools would have full boarding facilities (free of charge) so you drop your child off at school aged 5 and then collect them at 18, thereby relieving yourself of all parental responsibility and to make sure we cater for our ridiculously high rates of teenage pregnancy. It is my hope that by 2025 all secondary schools will have their own maternity units so there is minimal disruption to learning.

In law and order, prisons would cease to exist. They would be replaced with a new chain of Triple Cs (Custodial Community Camps). One in each city to spread the load of undesirables rather than having a large concentration in fewer areas. A kind of crimeshare as opposed to a timeshare.

There would be a zero tolerance of child abuse in all its forms, with sterilisation for those found guilty.

On the electoral front, Maori seats would be retained but I would also introduce two new "love seats" to ensure our same sex couples feel included and well represented. One seat for a lesbian candidate, the other for a homosexual.

To think, all this great policy may never see the light of day. Maybe I should consider standing for council. If you like the sound of my proposed DicKATErship I will be happy to accept all and any campaign donations on the proviso they are not anonymous.

Please email me at investik8@gmail.com to register your interest.