Making jackasses out of themselves

Three Real Housewives of Auckland -- Gilda Kirkpatrick, Anne Batley-Burton and Michelle Blanchard -- at lunch with Corey Cooper and Alex Casey, right.

About two years ago I recall writing a column about reality TV where I sarcastically predicted we would soon have a show called The Real Housewives of Eketahuna.

The sad thing is it would probably be infinitely more watchable and enjoyable than The Real Housewives of Auckland.

Only in New Zealand could we have the embarrassment of one of the women not even being married, making it impossible for her to be a wife. The producers must have been desperate for wealthy women keen to make complete jackasses out of themselves and were forced to improvise.

The local version of the X Factor caused us global humiliation, thanks to a couple of no name judges with big mouths and even bigger egos, so am I surprised by a housewife's use of the dreaded "N" word? Of course not, it's par for the course and it keeps up that thundering tradition of failing to make the grade when it comes to TV franchises, so bravo for that!

This week's episode showed the girls going out to enjoy a round of clay pigeon shooting, as all good housewives do.

I was willing one of the shotguns to fire through the screen and put me out of my misery. It didn't happen and sadly no one was hurt, meaning we must endure further episodes.

If New Zealand housewives don't do it for you, Bravo offers a plethora of alternative destinations ... Hollywood, New York, New Jersey, Orange County and Melbourne.

What confuses me though is the way they screen different series of the same show, most of which aren't even current.

Reality TV is always better when it screens closer to real time. How can we possibly keep up with the Kardashians when Kim hasn't even popped out her first sprog?

Real housewives, between the vacuuming and laundry of course, might enjoy the Bravo show Hoarders. It certainly makes you feel good about the state of your own house. This week I sat in stunned silence as they told the story of a woman who had even gone to the extreme of hoarding her own urine in bottles. Classy stuff.

Failing that there's always Flipping Out where you get to see an employer purchase breast implants for his employee because that's a really appropriate thing to do in one's workplace, right?

Complete with his all Hispanic house maids, I'm surprised Jeff doesn't have a gang of African Americans picking cotton in his backyard for his overpriced textiles.

I do, however, quite enjoy the Million Dollar Listing franchise, it's always entertaining to see how the other half live. With real estate prices through the roof in Auckland I'm just praying local TV producers refrain from buying into it. The housewives are trauma enough.

For me, Bravo is just so-so. The hot rotate of limited shows gets a bit monotonous, especially when they are so far behind.

In the age of livestreaming it's not really good enough. But if you just want to blob out and disengage your brain for a bit then Bravo might well live up to its name. I'm off to bottle my ... feelings.

Smile loudly.

¦Kate Stewart is a staunch advocate of common sense and three-ply toilet tissue.
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