My own talk show could be interesting too, CommuniKATE, where I get to combine sarcasm and wit with a dose of common sense to right the wrongs in a morally corrupt world. It ain't gonna happen though.
My search for work has taught me a lot, however. You can learn to identify what fields are showing huge growth, then the challenge shifts to creating your own niche market within that field, turning it into a trend.
I met my career adviser this week and I told her that I had found my future path ... counselling. I'm convinced it's the next big thing. There are literally hundreds and hundreds of vacancies online. The basic training is certainly achievable then, if you want, you can choose to specialise in a particular field. There's family, of course, drug and alcohol, sexual abuse, marriage and youth, to name a few.
With society becoming ever so emotionally fragile and unstable, I have taken the bold step of predicting a future market that is not catered for and I've patented it, so don't even think about cashing in on my genius.
I decided on EGC or entomological grief counselling. I ran it past Chris, my adviser. I think she thought I was joking but, with the right marketing and propaganda, I'm telling you, it's a bloody goldmine.
My exclusive private practice, BUGger OFF, will deal with the emotional trauma suffered by those who are living with the guilt of accidentally terminating the lives of millions of ants as they walk the pavements. Another common scenario is that of the suicide moth bomber, those crazy selfish moths who choose your windscreen to splat into but, in ending their own lives, they start a series of events that will haunt you relentlessly. The constant reliving of their graphic demise will manifest itself in bad dreams, night terrors and survivor guilt. Then there's the panic killing. A poor harmless beetle or daddy longlegs that catches you off guard. Instinctively you lash out, crushing its tiny, helpless body. You do your best to dispose of the body and clean the crime scene of all trace evidence but every time you close your eyes the tortured image of its mangled legs and body are forever imprinted on your brain.
The worst offender, however, is the CCA, chemical coma addict. These are the serial killers of the bug world. The indiscriminate use of fly and bug spray, causing slow, painful and lingering death to multiple victims at one time. Those big black blowflies left buzzing for hours on the kitchen windowsill, stranded on their backs, legs flailing wildly as you go about your business without a care in the world.
With the help of my specialised services you can crawl out of the cruelty, find your wings and fly to a new found freedom. Yep, these really are the thoughts I have.
Seriously though, I think counselling is the way to go. It's just a matter of time before every school has at least one full-time counsellor and workplaces will soon follow suit.
With bullying, sexual harassment, stress, addictions and all manners of abuse on the increase, it really is the new and ever so politically correct growth industry. One that, if suitably qualified, offers even me the realistic chance of employment.
To share your thoughts or make an appointment - or better yet offer me a job, email me - investik8@gmail.com.
Kate Stewart is an unemployed, reluctant mother-of-three, currently running amok in the city ... approach with caution or cheesecake
