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Home / Whanganui Chronicle

Kevin Page: Bacon sandwiches and Jim Horton; it’s the silly season

Kevin Page
By Kevin Page
Columnist·Whanganui Chronicle·
9 Jan, 2023 04:00 PM5 mins to read

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At this time of the year many of us could be forgiven for being, shall we say, away with the fairies, writes Kevin Page. Photo / 123RF

At this time of the year many of us could be forgiven for being, shall we say, away with the fairies, writes Kevin Page. Photo / 123RF

OPINION:

At this time of the year many of us could be forgiven for being, shall we say, away with the fairies.

I mean it’s Christmas/New Year right? Can’t we just forget about the rising cost of living, the ongoing wet weather and the fact my Countdown has run out of eggs, consequently ruining my traditional, and eagerly anticipated, holiday breakfast?

Thank God for toast and tomato sauce and the person who invented bacon sandwiches that’s all I can say.

Anyway.

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We NZers have had a pretty rough couple of years and now we’re staring down the barrel of more pain to come this year, but I’ve discovered there are plenty of folks out there putting it all behind them this summer and getting on with life.

Take the bloke walking down a main road near us the other day, singing away at the top of his voice as he strolled. Every few steps he’d do a little dance, throwing in a spin turn, thoroughly enjoying himself.

Totally oblivious to time, place and current woes of the world would be an apt description.

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Such was the smile-inducing sight, traffic slowed to a virtual crawl as cars passed and many a toot of support rang out. Naturally, this only encouraged The Artist Formerly Known As Man Walking Down The Street to sing and dance a bit more.

We went round a corner and lost sight of him after a while but judging by the fun he was having I’d say he would have provided some entertainment for many more motorists to come.

Last week, the last of my holiday before I resume my day job, in the bustling seaside gem that is Whakatane, I found myself in an op shop with the queen of such purchases, my beloved.

Music from an oldies station was playing and customers were actually joining in.

Say what you like about the tough times we might all be experiencing at the moment but I tell you what, nobody was thinking about it for those few minutes or so.

Hilariously, the song on the radio was one of those old doo-wop classics from the 50s with a chorus in a falsetto (think Bee Gees or if you are a real youngie Google it) and total strangers were wandering around singing it.

You couldn’t help but smile.

Now, we of the Page household are not immune to being away with the fairies. In fact, Mrs P is a keen practitioner of the art of removing oneself from reality and freely admits to often being in such a place.

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Once, at the supermarket, she rocked up to the checkout with enough dog food to feed an army of pooches which elicited an innocent question from the checkout operator.

“That’s a lot of dog food. How many dogs have you got?”.

‘Three,” she replied, throwing me a look which suggested cessation of any, er, cuddles, for a full calendar year if I so much as opened my mouth.

Later, in the carpark, as we loaded the dog food into the car, I asked why she had said we have three dogs when, in fact, we have just one, very small canine.

It seems she had been – roll on the drums please – away with the fairies and three was the first number that has come to mind. Once she’d said it she was stuck. She hadn’t wanted to embarrass the poor girl at the checkout with a correction so had just plodded through the encounter.

This particular occasion in the Whakatane op shop was similar.

She bought something or other and as she put it on the counter I did the man thing and continued to the door. Behind me I heard the shop assistant say to my wife: “Is your husband Jim?”

In her defence, Mrs P says she didn’t quite hear correctly. I suppose the end of the word “Kevin” might sound a bit like “Jim” but for what happened next, well, God only knows.

“Yes,” she said, to which I could feel my mouth drop open.

“Jim Anderson?,” asked the lady behind the counter.

“No,” said Mrs P, and I swear her follow-up comment is the honest truth, “Jim Horton.”

Still standing by the door, I’m now trying not to choke.

Seconds later Mrs P is rushing towards me with an embarrassed “Let’s get Out Of Here Quick” look on her face. She grabs me by the arm and has me 10 yards down the street before I’ve managed to stop laughing and get the question out.

“Who on Earth is Jim Horton?”

Luckily, she’s seeing the funny side of it too and after she manages to stop laughing she tries to come up with a plausible answer.

I won’t bore you with all the details but essentially, and I’m sure many of us can relate, she has no idea why she said what she said.

She doesn’t know any ‘Jim Horton’ and nor has she ever met anyone by that name.

Meekly, she explains the embarrassing situation could actually have been worse.

When the lady said “Jim Anderson?” the first name that sprung to mind was Jim Carrey, the actor and comedian.

Not wanting to come across as a smart arse, she stifled that reply and came up with the first name that came to mind, which just happened to be “Horton”.

By this stage I’m in danger of wetting myself but I had to admire She Who Still Makes Me Smile. Bless her. She’d not wanted the lady to be embarrassed so she’d basically taken one for the team.

By the time we’d got back to the car for the long drive home we’d both had a good laugh.

We agreed that with everything going on in the world it’s important to take a break, have a laugh and just get on with things the best you can.

I’m pretty certain that’s exactly what Jim Horton would do too.

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